1 00:00:29,166 --> 00:00:30,500 Thoroughbreds! 2 00:00:31,633 --> 00:00:36,100 Every single one primed for the race. 3 00:00:36,100 --> 00:00:40,466 Every muscle pumped, trained, and ready for the sprint. 4 00:00:40,833 --> 00:00:42,433 Hold it together, hold back. 5 00:00:43,133 --> 00:00:45,233 Keep the blood at just the right temperature, 6 00:00:45,266 --> 00:00:47,000 just below boil. 7 00:00:48,033 --> 00:00:51,200 Waiting at the starting gate then... 8 00:00:52,233 --> 00:00:54,933 All rise out of the stalls. 9 00:00:55,566 --> 00:00:58,766 Hold back, push forward, know when to have restraint, 10 00:00:59,066 --> 00:01:00,233 when to find an opening, 11 00:01:00,833 --> 00:01:04,833 ready to jump when the prosecution falters poised. 12 00:01:05,933 --> 00:01:08,966 Watching, waiting, nerves taught. 13 00:01:09,500 --> 00:01:12,466 Mind operating on 10 tracks at once. 14 00:01:12,500 --> 00:01:14,866 Blood pumping, muscles tightly wound, 15 00:01:15,166 --> 00:01:16,433 waiting to spring, waiting. 16 00:01:16,866 --> 00:01:19,933 It's starting to open up, wait, wait, careful. 17 00:01:20,433 --> 00:01:22,333 This is a measure of your skillset, 18 00:01:22,333 --> 00:01:25,066 the calm before and there it is. 19 00:01:25,666 --> 00:01:27,799 Instinct pushes me forward. 20 00:01:27,833 --> 00:01:32,066 Your honor, I am on my feet, eye zooming in on me. 21 00:01:32,799 --> 00:01:35,966 Application granted, yes, yes. 22 00:01:36,566 --> 00:01:39,566 My client, big guy looks stunned. 23 00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:41,766 He doesn't quite know that I've won a point, 24 00:01:41,766 --> 00:01:44,566 but he feels the shift, likes it. 25 00:01:44,566 --> 00:01:46,466 My client hates the witness, 26 00:01:46,833 --> 00:01:50,833 but for me, the witness is just the witness. I sit down. 27 00:01:51,266 --> 00:01:53,599 The prosecution finishes, then it's time. 28 00:01:54,066 --> 00:01:55,500 The judge looks at me. 29 00:01:55,933 --> 00:01:58,566 It's your witness, Miss Ensler, yes. 30 00:01:59,166 --> 00:02:01,233 The witness is mine. 31 00:02:01,233 --> 00:02:03,466 The witness breathes in, I stand up. 32 00:02:03,833 --> 00:02:06,133 Slowly do up the button on my jacket. 33 00:02:06,433 --> 00:02:08,666 Courtroom. Silence. Charged. 34 00:02:09,066 --> 00:02:11,633 Waiting for me, the thrill of this. 35 00:02:11,633 --> 00:02:14,500 Play it cool, yeah, cool. 36 00:02:15,033 --> 00:02:17,666 Voice measured and confident, play it... 37 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:18,966 Play it, it's yours. 38 00:02:18,966 --> 00:02:22,033 You're holding it in the palm of your hand. 39 00:02:22,033 --> 00:02:22,666 Play with it. 40 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:24,166 Stretch it out. 41 00:02:24,933 --> 00:02:25,533 It's yours. 42 00:02:26,133 --> 00:02:28,533 Cross-examination, it's the best part. 43 00:02:28,533 --> 00:02:29,500 All instinct. 44 00:02:30,033 --> 00:02:30,800 Ask the question. 45 00:02:31,266 --> 00:02:32,266 Repeat the answer. 46 00:02:32,666 --> 00:02:33,933 Repeat it again. 47 00:02:34,233 --> 00:02:35,433 Watch the witness's face. 48 00:02:36,033 --> 00:02:38,566 Let him think I am getting mixed up, 49 00:02:38,566 --> 00:02:41,766 that I'm a bit slow in understanding what happened. 50 00:02:42,233 --> 00:02:43,400 Flick through some pages. 51 00:02:43,900 --> 00:02:47,166 Let him think I have lost my way here breathing. 52 00:02:47,633 --> 00:02:50,599 A snicker from the prosecution council, good. 53 00:02:50,933 --> 00:02:52,333 Good, very good. 54 00:02:52,366 --> 00:02:54,400 Again, flick through some pages. 55 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:56,766 My client shifts uncomfortably in the dock. 56 00:02:57,266 --> 00:02:59,033 Good, then I repeat the question. 57 00:02:59,533 --> 00:03:00,533 Watch the witness relax. 58 00:03:00,900 --> 00:03:02,033 Shoulders roll back. 59 00:03:02,366 --> 00:03:05,233 This one doesn't seem to know what she's doing. 60 00:03:05,566 --> 00:03:07,233 Judge, expressionless. 61 00:03:07,733 --> 00:03:10,433 But this judge has seen me before, seen the likes of me. 62 00:03:10,766 --> 00:03:13,933 Question one, question two, look worried about the answers. 63 00:03:14,166 --> 00:03:16,500 This emboldens him. 64 00:03:16,833 --> 00:03:17,633 Watch, yes. 65 00:03:18,199 --> 00:03:19,133 Here he goes. 66 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,733 Let the witness talk over, talk. 67 00:03:21,733 --> 00:03:22,833 Let him clarify. 68 00:03:23,166 --> 00:03:23,366 Good. 69 00:03:24,199 --> 00:03:24,699 Thanks for that. 70 00:03:24,699 --> 00:03:25,466 I wasn't sure. 71 00:03:25,699 --> 00:03:27,466 See his eyes dismiss me. 72 00:03:28,133 --> 00:03:30,366 This one must be straight out to you, something. 73 00:03:30,733 --> 00:03:31,766 She's not that good. 74 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:32,566 Ho, ho, ho. 75 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:34,266 This, it relaxes him. 76 00:03:34,633 --> 00:03:35,733 He's got the upper hand. 77 00:03:35,733 --> 00:03:38,533 He is now not careful, not afraid, no longer. 78 00:03:39,166 --> 00:03:41,766 Vigilant, he says something inconsistent. 79 00:03:42,666 --> 00:03:45,033 I let him explain it to me. 80 00:03:45,533 --> 00:03:49,366 Nodding, I'm nodding while he digs himself in deeper. 81 00:03:49,366 --> 00:03:50,300 Okay, I say. 82 00:03:50,666 --> 00:03:55,333 That's a bit clearer now, but he volunteers more information. 83 00:03:55,866 --> 00:04:00,166 I see the prosecutor put a finger to his own forehead. 84 00:04:00,766 --> 00:04:03,866 He knows and I know, but the guy about to bury himself, 85 00:04:04,166 --> 00:04:05,833 he talks on and on. 86 00:04:05,833 --> 00:04:07,533 I circle, nodding approval. 87 00:04:07,766 --> 00:04:09,699 Oh, I see, but why did that happen? 88 00:04:10,266 --> 00:04:13,366 Judge's face, a mask, but the judge knows 89 00:04:13,566 --> 00:04:15,099 there is blood in the water. 90 00:04:15,433 --> 00:04:17,233 And I let the witness swim on. 91 00:04:17,666 --> 00:04:20,233 No one can help him and he swims. 92 00:04:20,433 --> 00:04:23,699 Right into it, he leans back. 93 00:04:24,333 --> 00:04:26,199 Flash of confidence across his face. 94 00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:29,133 I let him feel his control, feel safe. 95 00:04:29,500 --> 00:04:33,833 Then tip toe, tip toe. 96 00:04:33,833 --> 00:04:35,233 He crosses his arms as I approach. 97 00:04:35,466 --> 00:04:37,199 I circle, circle again, stop. 98 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:38,933 Flick through some pages. 99 00:04:39,133 --> 00:04:40,633 The judge and the other lawyers, 100 00:04:40,633 --> 00:04:42,133 they know what's coming, they know. 101 00:04:42,566 --> 00:04:45,666 They cringe for him, but they love it. 102 00:04:46,066 --> 00:04:48,066 They lean forward, the jury. 103 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:50,966 People in the gallery, no idea and him. 104 00:04:51,399 --> 00:04:53,966 In the witness box, the one I'm talking to, no clue. 105 00:04:54,199 --> 00:04:56,166 Still, no fucking clue. 106 00:04:56,633 --> 00:04:58,233 And I'm sorry, but just to clarify, 107 00:04:58,733 --> 00:05:00,133 I do have one more question. 108 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,133 I hope you don't mind. 109 00:05:01,433 --> 00:05:03,199 It will help me get the full picture. 110 00:05:03,199 --> 00:05:05,466 Was that an eye roll from him? 111 00:05:06,366 --> 00:05:09,800 Perfect, but if he was watching the prosecution council, 112 00:05:10,266 --> 00:05:13,033 the guy turning his head down to the table, 113 00:05:13,033 --> 00:05:14,433 he might know, he might sense. 114 00:05:14,933 --> 00:05:17,666 If he wasn't so sure, so cocky, he'd feel it. 115 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:18,333 Danger. 116 00:05:19,333 --> 00:05:21,899 Something is about to go down, but no. 117 00:05:21,899 --> 00:05:22,966 He's in his element. 118 00:05:23,533 --> 00:05:25,733 He thinks he is the cat and I am the mouse. 119 00:05:26,133 --> 00:05:27,333 It is perfect. 120 00:05:28,033 --> 00:05:30,166 The prosecution council looks up. 121 00:05:30,699 --> 00:05:31,566 I stop moving. 122 00:05:32,066 --> 00:05:33,733 I stop paper shuffling. 123 00:05:34,166 --> 00:05:35,533 I look right at the witness. 124 00:05:36,199 --> 00:05:37,466 I ask my question. 125 00:05:38,133 --> 00:05:40,033 A strange flicker across his face. 126 00:05:40,533 --> 00:05:42,366 He glances quickly to the prosecutor. 127 00:05:42,399 --> 00:05:45,300 The prosecutor can't say anything, but his eyes. 128 00:05:46,100 --> 00:05:50,500 His eyes are straining, trying to say, don't, don't. 129 00:05:50,500 --> 00:05:51,866 Keep your wits about you. 130 00:05:51,866 --> 00:05:53,066 Don't fall into this trap. 131 00:05:53,699 --> 00:05:57,033 And my last circle, then bang. 132 00:05:58,433 --> 00:06:00,733 I fire full questions like bullets. 133 00:06:01,399 --> 00:06:06,033 Bang, bang, bang, bang, face, shook utter annihilation 134 00:06:06,333 --> 00:06:07,666 and the look that I get. 135 00:06:08,666 --> 00:06:10,333 Dawn me. 136 00:06:10,733 --> 00:06:12,633 You fucking idiot. 137 00:06:13,533 --> 00:06:15,033 You thought you had this. 138 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:16,933 But here I am. 139 00:06:16,933 --> 00:06:18,633 Watch the witness sweat silence. 140 00:06:19,233 --> 00:06:21,266 People in the gallery lean forward. 141 00:06:21,466 --> 00:06:23,366 Wow, she's good. 142 00:06:23,833 --> 00:06:26,266 My client, the accused, is awestruck. 143 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,566 My eyes are on the witness's face. 144 00:06:29,066 --> 00:06:31,533 Now for the first time he actually sees me. 145 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:33,000 He is furious. 146 00:06:33,833 --> 00:06:36,233 Answer the question, please, Mr. Bateman. Professional. 147 00:06:36,866 --> 00:06:39,333 The prosecutor sits at the bar table. 148 00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:41,000 Head down, it's all over now. 149 00:06:41,366 --> 00:06:42,033 He knows it. 150 00:06:42,033 --> 00:06:42,666 I know it. 151 00:06:42,666 --> 00:06:43,666 The judge knows it. 152 00:06:43,666 --> 00:06:46,766 The witness is about to really know it. 153 00:06:47,133 --> 00:06:50,266 Your honor, the witness is not answering the question. 154 00:06:50,633 --> 00:06:51,766 Sweetest voice ever. 155 00:06:52,166 --> 00:06:53,833 The judge reminds Mr. Bateman that he 156 00:06:53,833 --> 00:06:55,033 must answer the question. 157 00:06:55,566 --> 00:06:58,433 Answer counsel's question, please, Mr. Bateman. 158 00:06:58,933 --> 00:07:01,333 I look at sheer hatred at me. 159 00:07:01,833 --> 00:07:02,600 He's cornered. 160 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:03,533 He is fucked. 161 00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:04,800 His head is down. 162 00:07:05,166 --> 00:07:06,233 He mumbles something. 163 00:07:06,266 --> 00:07:08,333 I'm sorry I didn't hear that, Judge. 164 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,433 You must speak into the microphone 165 00:07:10,433 --> 00:07:13,266 for the transcript recording, Mr. Bateman. 166 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:15,300 I smile, benevolently. 167 00:07:16,933 --> 00:07:18,100 Is it a yes then, sir? 168 00:07:18,733 --> 00:07:20,066 So you agree with me then? 169 00:07:20,066 --> 00:07:21,266 The judge has had enough. 170 00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:22,533 The man is destroyed. 171 00:07:22,866 --> 00:07:24,066 He knows my tactics. 172 00:07:24,533 --> 00:07:27,233 You have your answer, Ms. Enslair. 173 00:07:27,500 --> 00:07:27,866 Yes. 174 00:07:28,566 --> 00:07:29,066 I do. 175 00:07:29,500 --> 00:07:30,466 Thank you, your honor. 176 00:07:30,466 --> 00:07:31,933 I have no further questions. 177 00:07:32,233 --> 00:07:33,899 Judge, any re-examination? 178 00:07:34,433 --> 00:07:36,366 The prosecutor stands, but no, no. 179 00:07:36,933 --> 00:07:39,300 There is no point taking his witness in fear. 180 00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:40,433 It's a no-brainer. 181 00:07:40,433 --> 00:07:43,699 The witness walks past me, flashes me a look-- 182 00:07:43,699 --> 00:07:45,266 Utter confusion. 183 00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:46,466 What just happened? 184 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:47,533 It's not emotional for me. 185 00:07:47,866 --> 00:07:48,433 It's the game. 186 00:07:48,899 --> 00:07:50,066 It's the game of law. 187 00:07:50,066 --> 00:07:52,333 I stand up again, completely professional. 188 00:07:52,933 --> 00:07:55,033 I submit there is no case to answer. 189 00:07:55,033 --> 00:07:55,800 Corporate dismissal. 190 00:07:56,366 --> 00:07:58,000 The judge is swift. 191 00:07:58,300 --> 00:07:59,899 It is all over now. 192 00:08:00,800 --> 00:08:03,633 The barristers' room is the winner can't flaunt it. 193 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:06,899 Every winner might be the one who loses the next day. 194 00:08:06,899 --> 00:08:07,966 We don't call it losing. 195 00:08:08,533 --> 00:08:10,266 We call it coming second. 196 00:08:11,166 --> 00:08:13,833 Today, the prosecutor came second. 197 00:08:14,199 --> 00:08:15,166 I pack up my files. 198 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:17,433 Not thanks to the counsel for the prosecution. 199 00:08:17,666 --> 00:08:19,500 Don't make eye contact, blah, blah, blah. 200 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,266 Motion for my client to up and leave. 201 00:08:22,766 --> 00:08:24,833 Everybody watches my walk. 202 00:08:25,399 --> 00:08:26,833 Leather satchel across my chest. 203 00:08:27,133 --> 00:08:29,933 Undo my jacket, buttern, saunter. 204 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:32,933 Turn at the door, not to the judge. 205 00:08:33,433 --> 00:08:35,833 Gesture for my client to do the same. 206 00:08:36,966 --> 00:08:38,766 Outside the courtroom, he's free. 207 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:40,266 He gets to go home. 208 00:08:40,266 --> 00:08:41,200 His mother is weeping. 209 00:08:41,833 --> 00:08:44,033 She holds my hand to her heart. 210 00:08:44,033 --> 00:08:44,833 I like the mothers. 211 00:08:45,166 --> 00:08:45,633 They know. 212 00:08:45,899 --> 00:08:46,700 They understand. 213 00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:47,833 I tell them I've got to run. 214 00:08:48,133 --> 00:08:49,633 I've got another case to prepare. 215 00:08:49,633 --> 00:08:51,833 I don't want to see you in here again. 216 00:08:52,233 --> 00:08:55,566 My client nods, shirks my hand. 217 00:08:56,133 --> 00:08:56,666 Respect. 218 00:08:57,899 --> 00:08:58,200 Power. 219 00:08:59,166 --> 00:09:00,799 Today, I was a winner. 220 00:09:00,866 --> 00:09:03,666 Today, I came first. 221 00:09:04,299 --> 00:09:06,133 ... 222 00:09:07,233 --> 00:09:09,399 Outside the court, I turn on my iPhone. 223 00:09:09,399 --> 00:09:11,533 I call Alice to debrief on my case. 224 00:09:12,266 --> 00:09:14,366 Someone else picks up, its Dewes. 225 00:09:15,033 --> 00:09:16,399 He asks me how it went. 226 00:09:16,700 --> 00:09:17,166 I won. 227 00:09:17,433 --> 00:09:19,366 What's new, he says. 228 00:09:21,033 --> 00:09:23,433 I throw files into a cab to the train station. 229 00:09:23,433 --> 00:09:24,566 I'm laughing on the phone. 230 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:25,700 I hop out. 231 00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:27,366 The cabbie calls me back. 232 00:09:27,366 --> 00:09:28,299 It's not an Uber. 233 00:09:28,500 --> 00:09:29,233 I forgot to pay. 234 00:09:29,500 --> 00:09:29,700 Shit. 235 00:09:30,333 --> 00:09:30,966 I hang up. 236 00:09:30,966 --> 00:09:31,633 I feel bad. 237 00:09:31,633 --> 00:09:32,833 I give the driver a tip. 238 00:09:33,299 --> 00:09:35,100 I tell him my uncle drives the cab. 239 00:09:35,799 --> 00:09:37,566 Cabbie smiles at me. 240 00:09:38,333 --> 00:09:40,333 ...catching the train to Liverpool, 241 00:09:40,566 --> 00:09:42,333 and I finally start to let it go. 242 00:09:42,333 --> 00:09:42,866 The adrenaline. 243 00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:44,000 The pace. 244 00:09:44,233 --> 00:09:45,233 I listen to some music. 245 00:09:45,733 --> 00:09:49,566 It's a long ride to Mums, and the gloss of this legal life 246 00:09:49,866 --> 00:09:52,633 melts into my seat as the train makes its way 247 00:09:52,633 --> 00:09:54,233 to where I started out. 248 00:09:54,766 --> 00:09:57,200 I walk up the high street, stop at the corner shop, 249 00:09:57,466 --> 00:10:00,000 pick up Mum's favorite drink, a big bottle 250 00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:00,633 of Fanta. 251 00:10:01,266 --> 00:10:03,633 The guy behind the counter remembers me. 252 00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:06,700 We talk about how his business has slowed right down. 253 00:10:07,133 --> 00:10:09,233 The new Tesco Express on the corner. 254 00:10:09,933 --> 00:10:11,966 Mum is in the kitchen when I get there. 255 00:10:12,533 --> 00:10:13,466 Little brother Mick. 256 00:10:14,066 --> 00:10:14,733 Can't hear me. 257 00:10:14,733 --> 00:10:15,666 He's playing his PlayStation. 258 00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:17,899 Older brother Johnny is in bed. 259 00:10:18,333 --> 00:10:20,633 Mum, he had a big night last night. 260 00:10:20,899 --> 00:10:25,100 Again? The telly's on, and the news is blaring outrage. 261 00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:28,966 Some poor family have been paid too much benefits. 262 00:10:29,633 --> 00:10:34,166 Me Mum lights up a ciggy, tells me the Fanta isn't sugar free. 263 00:10:34,633 --> 00:10:35,366 Fail! 264 00:10:36,500 --> 00:10:38,000 Asks me to chop the veg. 265 00:10:38,866 --> 00:10:41,266 She's been cleaning offices all day, offices 266 00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:43,200 like the one I work in. 267 00:10:44,566 --> 00:10:45,133 Chop, chop. 268 00:10:47,299 --> 00:10:47,500 Chop. 269 00:10:49,233 --> 00:10:49,566 Chop. 270 00:10:50,666 --> 00:10:52,033 I won a case today. 271 00:10:52,033 --> 00:10:55,466 Oh, you got more criminals out on our streets then, did you? 272 00:10:55,700 --> 00:10:57,399 No fucking point replying. 273 00:10:57,899 --> 00:11:03,366 She goes out to her room, comes back, hands me a hot pink 100% 274 00:11:04,066 --> 00:11:05,433 polyester shirt. 275 00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,066 I saw it on sale. 276 00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:09,866 It looks like what a lawyer would wear. 277 00:11:09,866 --> 00:11:10,566 It's not. 278 00:11:11,766 --> 00:11:14,966 But this is my mum's way of saying she is proud. 279 00:11:15,366 --> 00:11:16,466 She is tentative. 280 00:11:16,833 --> 00:11:17,766 Do you like it? 281 00:11:17,766 --> 00:11:19,266 I love it, Mum. 282 00:11:19,799 --> 00:11:21,066 I stopped chopping. 283 00:11:21,066 --> 00:11:24,566 I put it on for her right there in the kitchen. 284 00:11:25,133 --> 00:11:27,333 Yeah, brother, he got into a fight last night. 285 00:11:27,333 --> 00:11:27,533 What? 286 00:11:28,100 --> 00:11:28,666 Not again. 287 00:11:29,166 --> 00:11:32,299 As I hug her, I feel her stiffen a little. 288 00:11:32,299 --> 00:11:33,266 She pulls away. 289 00:11:33,500 --> 00:11:35,866 Mum, he should be working full time. 290 00:11:36,066 --> 00:11:39,633 No, paying his way, not out at night drinking and partying. 291 00:11:39,633 --> 00:11:41,333 Mum, he's a fucking loser. 292 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:42,166 I turn. 293 00:11:42,366 --> 00:11:46,299 There's Johnny, my brother, standing right at the door. 294 00:11:46,866 --> 00:11:48,299 His face is contorted. 295 00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:51,233 Over his eyebrow is a dry bloody mess. 296 00:11:51,233 --> 00:11:52,166 He erupts. 297 00:11:52,166 --> 00:11:53,933 He almost spits at me. 298 00:11:54,533 --> 00:11:57,433 Fancy fucking lawyer, didn't you? 299 00:11:57,433 --> 00:11:59,866 Fancy fucking pink shirt, eh? 300 00:12:00,466 --> 00:12:01,566 Johnny lurches at me. 301 00:12:01,799 --> 00:12:02,333 Mum screams. 302 00:12:02,966 --> 00:12:04,933 Mickey can't hear anything with his PlayStation. 303 00:12:05,166 --> 00:12:05,633 Oh, go on. 304 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:06,933 Go on, hit me. 305 00:12:06,933 --> 00:12:09,000 Show me what a big guy you are. 306 00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:10,966 And we are right back there. 307 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,166 He doesn't hit me. 308 00:12:14,166 --> 00:12:15,133 He's never hit me. 309 00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:16,966 I feel bad that I've just said that. 310 00:12:16,966 --> 00:12:21,433 I just-- I want him to be better, not be this guy, the one 311 00:12:21,433 --> 00:12:22,833 with the blood encrusted forehead. 312 00:12:22,899 --> 00:12:25,333 What-- breathing out last night's fumes as he speaks. 313 00:12:25,566 --> 00:12:28,533 This man, he was once my best mate. 314 00:12:28,533 --> 00:12:30,600 He did everything with me. 315 00:12:30,866 --> 00:12:32,566 Johnny swoops at the wall. 316 00:12:32,766 --> 00:12:34,266 Vegetable pieces fly everywhere. 317 00:12:34,833 --> 00:12:35,966 I am just going to leave. 318 00:12:36,433 --> 00:12:39,100 And the last thing that I see is my mum on the floor 319 00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:41,100 trying to pick them up. 320 00:12:41,466 --> 00:12:45,799 Pieces of carrot and broccoli-- on her hands and knees. 321 00:12:46,966 --> 00:12:50,399 First day, University Law School. 322 00:12:51,033 --> 00:12:52,833 Cambridge, yes. 323 00:12:53,366 --> 00:12:57,466 200 faces each, with three A stars at A levels. 324 00:12:57,733 --> 00:13:01,266 I mean, all of us on almost perfect scores. 325 00:13:01,700 --> 00:13:04,533 You know, all summer, everyone has looked at us 326 00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:06,266 as if we are something. 327 00:13:06,966 --> 00:13:09,933 No longer a spotty sixth former. 328 00:13:09,933 --> 00:13:12,033 Now, someone to watch. 329 00:13:12,766 --> 00:13:16,233 I mean, society tells us law school means you're important. 330 00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:19,333 Everyone seems to believe it except me. 331 00:13:20,433 --> 00:13:21,533 I'm still pretending. 332 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,700 We take our seats in the induction lecture. 333 00:13:25,066 --> 00:13:28,566 I look around, secretly fearful that perhaps I've fluked it. 334 00:13:28,833 --> 00:13:30,166 That someone's going to bear through the door 335 00:13:30,166 --> 00:13:31,299 of the induction hall. 336 00:13:31,633 --> 00:13:35,600 Call out my name and say, there's been a terrible mistake. 337 00:13:36,633 --> 00:13:38,066 But I get swept up in it all. 338 00:13:38,666 --> 00:13:43,966 The dean stands telling us, you are the creme de la creme. 339 00:13:43,966 --> 00:13:44,833 She actually said that. 340 00:13:45,733 --> 00:13:46,666 I mean, we like it. 341 00:13:47,166 --> 00:13:50,233 Top law school, top city, top marks, top people. 342 00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:51,966 We like to hear this. 343 00:13:51,966 --> 00:13:54,899 You will be the ones to change the country. 344 00:13:55,333 --> 00:13:57,133 Then just like a lawyer, she stops. 345 00:13:57,366 --> 00:13:59,899 But look to the person to your left. 346 00:14:00,133 --> 00:14:00,466 We do. 347 00:14:01,066 --> 00:14:02,166 Me, I'm shy. 348 00:14:02,533 --> 00:14:05,266 Guy on my left is bloody gorgeous. 349 00:14:06,466 --> 00:14:10,033 And confident, I can tell he is from a posh school, yeah. 350 00:14:10,333 --> 00:14:13,366 He already knows he will be the one to change the country. 351 00:14:13,899 --> 00:14:14,933 We nod at each other. 352 00:14:15,299 --> 00:14:17,066 He takes in my outfit. 353 00:14:17,399 --> 00:14:17,966 I wither. 354 00:14:18,833 --> 00:14:21,166 It's obvious I'm not from where he's from. 355 00:14:21,666 --> 00:14:23,466 Now look to the person to your right. 356 00:14:23,966 --> 00:14:26,033 The girl on my right has a haircut 357 00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:28,466 that screams private school. 358 00:14:28,566 --> 00:14:29,733 I hold back. 359 00:14:30,166 --> 00:14:33,266 But she gives me a warm smile and then pulls a funny face. 360 00:14:34,433 --> 00:14:35,866 I let out a small noise. 361 00:14:35,866 --> 00:14:36,600 That is a laugh. 362 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:38,533 Look back and hear this. 363 00:14:39,266 --> 00:14:42,766 One of the three of you will not make it, yes. 364 00:14:43,366 --> 00:14:46,166 One of the three of you will fail, make no mistake. 365 00:14:46,766 --> 00:14:49,433 You are all in competition with each other. 366 00:14:49,433 --> 00:14:50,433 You are not friends. 367 00:14:51,033 --> 00:14:52,733 You are fighting each other. 368 00:14:52,733 --> 00:14:54,733 The game starts now. 369 00:14:54,766 --> 00:14:57,066 I can't look at either of them. 370 00:14:57,866 --> 00:15:00,866 One tick, two tick, third one gone, the other two. 371 00:15:01,566 --> 00:15:03,033 They think it's going to be me, yeah. 372 00:15:03,500 --> 00:15:05,100 Yeah, I am the one who won't make it, 373 00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:06,866 because you can tell I don't belong here. 374 00:15:06,866 --> 00:15:07,866 I get angry at them. 375 00:15:08,166 --> 00:15:11,799 The girl starts typing on her phone, an expensive phone. 376 00:15:12,566 --> 00:15:14,433 I can tell we won't talk again, yeah. 377 00:15:14,733 --> 00:15:17,166 She'll be a top lawyer and won't remember my name. 378 00:15:17,166 --> 00:15:17,666 It's OK. 379 00:15:18,233 --> 00:15:20,700 Out of those of you who even make it to the bar, 380 00:15:21,166 --> 00:15:23,299 only one in 10 of you will get pupillage. 381 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:25,600 Only five of those might get silk. 382 00:15:26,033 --> 00:15:29,566 And only one has the chance of being a judge each decade. 383 00:15:30,033 --> 00:15:32,633 I look to the boy to my left, Benedict. 384 00:15:32,933 --> 00:15:34,733 Of course he's called Benedict. 385 00:15:35,566 --> 00:15:36,733 He glances at me. 386 00:15:36,733 --> 00:15:38,399 He has already dismissed me. 387 00:15:38,933 --> 00:15:39,733 Fuck you. 388 00:15:40,666 --> 00:15:42,533 The dean stands, talks to law. 389 00:15:43,366 --> 00:15:46,700 Never assume anyone is telling the truth, even yourself. 390 00:15:47,233 --> 00:15:50,566 There is no real truth, only legal truth. 391 00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,733 Don't trust your gut instinct. 392 00:15:52,966 --> 00:15:54,233 Trust your legal instinct. 393 00:15:54,666 --> 00:15:56,566 You will get it wrong if you think 394 00:15:56,566 --> 00:15:58,166 you know what will happen. 395 00:15:58,733 --> 00:16:00,566 You are the best of the best. 396 00:16:01,166 --> 00:16:02,933 Prepare for the fight of your life, 397 00:16:02,933 --> 00:16:05,733 because law school is just the beginning. 398 00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:08,066 The boy on my left, Benedict. 399 00:16:08,533 --> 00:16:10,133 He gets through, just as I predicted. 400 00:16:10,633 --> 00:16:12,433 The girl on my right, Mia. 401 00:16:12,866 --> 00:16:17,066 She drops out after first year to go to acting school. 402 00:16:17,433 --> 00:16:22,700 But before she goes, Mia becomes my best friend for life. 403 00:16:23,033 --> 00:16:23,233 Yes. 404 00:16:24,299 --> 00:16:25,533 Instincts can be wrong. 405 00:16:26,366 --> 00:16:29,399 Never assume you're telling yourself the truth. 406 00:16:29,933 --> 00:16:31,666 Don't trust what you think you know. 407 00:16:31,666 --> 00:16:33,700 This, this is not life. 408 00:16:34,366 --> 00:16:35,166 This is law. 409 00:16:35,933 --> 00:16:38,566 Another three sentence matters, and I head back to chambers. 410 00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:41,600 Once I'm in my room, I go through the evidence of a big 411 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:42,233 case tomorrow. 412 00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:46,500 It's a complex matter, but it's in good shape. 413 00:16:47,266 --> 00:16:48,733 It's been a long week, this one. 414 00:16:49,299 --> 00:16:50,600 We head to the pub. 415 00:16:51,833 --> 00:16:53,666 There's a group there from law school. 416 00:16:54,166 --> 00:16:57,233 Those from my chambers, Alice, Julie, and Adam. 417 00:16:57,600 --> 00:17:00,100 Oh, he never comes out, all of us there. 418 00:17:00,766 --> 00:17:07,633 Too many bottles of Prosecco and four tequina shots each. 419 00:17:08,799 --> 00:17:12,566 Julian's hand lingers on my back as he talks to me. 420 00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:14,333 Everyone up. 421 00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:15,066 Dancing. 422 00:17:15,933 --> 00:17:16,566 Suit jackets-- 423 00:17:17,166 --> 00:17:18,466 flying on the backs of chairs. 424 00:17:18,466 --> 00:17:20,333 Noise I smokes outside. 425 00:17:20,633 --> 00:17:22,900 1 AM, still dancing. 426 00:17:23,466 --> 00:17:25,466 Julian's hand is on my waist. 427 00:17:26,033 --> 00:17:30,133 He's telling me he's just on a massive drug appeal. 428 00:17:30,566 --> 00:17:31,466 Bloody incredible. 429 00:17:32,366 --> 00:17:35,266 Said he maneuvered his way around the rules in the growth appeal. 430 00:17:35,533 --> 00:17:36,666 Oh, I'm dancing a-- 431 00:17:37,099 --> 00:17:40,233 I'm dancing real sexy now. 432 00:17:40,666 --> 00:17:42,233 Let go of it all. 433 00:17:42,700 --> 00:17:43,033 What? 434 00:17:44,133 --> 00:17:45,900 Oh, criminal defense barristers. 435 00:17:46,133 --> 00:17:46,333 Yeah. 436 00:17:46,866 --> 00:17:47,866 We believe in the law. 437 00:17:47,866 --> 00:17:49,633 We believe in the system. 438 00:17:49,833 --> 00:17:52,133 Jules's eyes all over me. 439 00:17:52,133 --> 00:17:55,366 We believe in innocent until proven guilty. 440 00:17:55,366 --> 00:17:56,133 No, no. 441 00:17:56,666 --> 00:17:57,833 It's not just a catchphrase. 442 00:17:58,299 --> 00:18:01,033 It is the bedrock of how you keep a society civilized. 443 00:18:01,533 --> 00:18:03,766 Music has Jules up real close. 444 00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:05,033 I'm liking it. 445 00:18:05,066 --> 00:18:08,033 Prosecutors, do you wick with the police? 446 00:18:08,033 --> 00:18:08,566 No, no, no. 447 00:18:08,833 --> 00:18:10,166 You say you're fighting for justice. 448 00:18:10,433 --> 00:18:10,666 You. 449 00:18:11,033 --> 00:18:13,533 You are fighting for jail time. 450 00:18:14,033 --> 00:18:16,333 Defense is about human rights. 451 00:18:16,833 --> 00:18:17,066 Yes. 452 00:18:17,766 --> 00:18:19,433 Human rights. 453 00:18:19,433 --> 00:18:20,333 The right to innocence. 454 00:18:20,799 --> 00:18:22,366 Unless there is reasonable doubt, 455 00:18:22,366 --> 00:18:24,366 I put my hand on Jules's waist. 456 00:18:24,933 --> 00:18:26,166 Moving close. 457 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:27,066 Your liberty. 458 00:18:27,733 --> 00:18:29,333 Your life is in our hands. 459 00:18:29,333 --> 00:18:30,166 I toss my hair. 460 00:18:30,666 --> 00:18:32,533 You want the best of the best, yeah? 461 00:18:32,900 --> 00:18:33,766 You want the smartest. 462 00:18:34,033 --> 00:18:35,933 You want the most agile minds. 463 00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:38,599 I flick Jules's wandering hand. 464 00:18:38,833 --> 00:18:41,400 A-- a-- everyone is watching those. 465 00:18:41,766 --> 00:18:45,200 Those who do not prejudge you, who trust the system. 466 00:18:45,633 --> 00:18:46,333 That is us. 467 00:18:46,633 --> 00:18:48,200 Jules is kissing my neck. 468 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:48,766 It's nice. 469 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:50,433 Alice gives me a look. 470 00:18:50,433 --> 00:18:51,133 Eye roll. 471 00:18:51,533 --> 00:18:53,366 It's our job to find holes in the case, 472 00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:56,200 keep the police honest, protect society. 473 00:18:56,466 --> 00:18:58,766 Alice knows I won't go home with Jules. 474 00:18:59,166 --> 00:19:01,266 I'm going to be prime for our big case tomorrow. 475 00:19:01,666 --> 00:19:02,266 Shit. 476 00:19:03,366 --> 00:19:04,766 I peel Jules off me. 477 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,533 I order an Uber, kiss Alice goodbye. 478 00:19:08,166 --> 00:19:12,033 I grab my jacket, and I stumble out of the bar. 479 00:19:12,900 --> 00:19:21,033 By 8.30 AM, after two soy lattes, I'm back in chambers. 480 00:19:22,799 --> 00:19:24,466 Julian smiles at me. 481 00:19:25,166 --> 00:19:26,133 He's already there. 482 00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:29,233 I barge into Alice's room. 483 00:19:29,233 --> 00:19:31,233 She pours me a green tea. 484 00:19:31,766 --> 00:19:32,266 Mm. 485 00:19:34,566 --> 00:19:36,466 Ask me what I'm working on. 486 00:19:37,866 --> 00:19:39,166 Well, a bagel wreath for Monday. 487 00:19:39,833 --> 00:19:42,099 But then I've got two sexual assaults next week. 488 00:19:42,633 --> 00:19:42,866 Mm. 489 00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:44,066 Tough, she says. 490 00:19:44,533 --> 00:19:45,233 I'll get them off. 491 00:19:45,700 --> 00:19:47,466 One of them has PTSD from Afghanistan, 492 00:19:47,733 --> 00:19:49,033 so I'll milk that if he goes down, 493 00:19:49,033 --> 00:19:50,900 make sure he's not potted, sent away. 494 00:19:51,366 --> 00:19:54,533 You're doing a lot of sexual assault at the moment. 495 00:19:54,533 --> 00:19:55,933 It's the cad rank rule, she nods. 496 00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:57,466 I don't choose them. 497 00:19:57,466 --> 00:19:58,233 They choose me. 498 00:19:58,599 --> 00:20:00,633 If your court diary is free, and you 499 00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:03,033 get a brief for anything in your field of law, for me. 500 00:20:03,566 --> 00:20:07,200 Criminal law, you have to say, yes, it's like at the airport. 501 00:20:07,933 --> 00:20:09,833 Cabbies can't pick and choose what ride they want. 502 00:20:10,166 --> 00:20:11,166 They get what they get. 503 00:20:11,166 --> 00:20:12,133 It's the cab rank rule. 504 00:20:12,533 --> 00:20:15,433 You don't think they're using you because you're a woman, 505 00:20:15,666 --> 00:20:16,566 and it looks better. 506 00:20:16,833 --> 00:20:17,333 So what? 507 00:20:17,933 --> 00:20:18,866 Cab rank is cab rank. 508 00:20:19,733 --> 00:20:23,233 I think barristers tend to hide behind the rule, is all. 509 00:20:23,233 --> 00:20:23,433 No. 510 00:20:23,933 --> 00:20:25,133 We play by the rules. 511 00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:29,266 Alice, she came second in the last four hearings, yeah? 512 00:20:29,633 --> 00:20:30,233 Not good. 513 00:20:30,966 --> 00:20:32,666 I tell her I can flick her some small matters 514 00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:34,033 this week I'm overbooked. 515 00:20:34,033 --> 00:20:34,400 She nods. 516 00:20:35,166 --> 00:20:36,566 She's pretty anxious about where. 517 00:20:37,066 --> 00:20:38,266 I wouldn't like to be her. 518 00:20:38,566 --> 00:20:40,000 You know the barristers catchphrase: 519 00:20:40,433 --> 00:20:43,166 You're only ever as good as your last brief. 520 00:20:43,799 --> 00:20:45,333 Adam and Jules call me in. 521 00:20:45,733 --> 00:20:48,833 Need to pick your brain on a complex matter. 522 00:20:48,833 --> 00:20:51,666 I haven't lost a case in months. 523 00:20:52,533 --> 00:20:53,533 I mean, it feels good. 524 00:20:54,333 --> 00:20:58,166 Adam and I, we go down to the local bread for lunch. 525 00:20:59,099 --> 00:21:01,966 We're in the queue with the corporate lawyers. 526 00:21:03,166 --> 00:21:06,133 Solicitors who specialize in company law. 527 00:21:07,733 --> 00:21:08,900 Italian suits, nice. 528 00:21:09,633 --> 00:21:11,166 Like really nice ties. 529 00:21:11,433 --> 00:21:14,366 Women in silk shirts, group of five of them, 530 00:21:14,666 --> 00:21:16,066 they are a different breed. 531 00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:19,133 They're all corporate contracts. 532 00:21:19,599 --> 00:21:19,866 [SNORING] 533 00:21:19,933 --> 00:21:20,633 Yawn! 534 00:21:21,166 --> 00:21:23,099 You know, they think barristers are arrogant. 535 00:21:23,099 --> 00:21:25,066 Yeah, well, I mean, maybe we are a bit. 536 00:21:27,333 --> 00:21:30,566 Adam is talking about a law graduate who wants to come 537 00:21:30,566 --> 00:21:31,466 and work with him. 538 00:21:31,866 --> 00:21:34,466 We laugh about the previous pupils we've had in chambers. 539 00:21:34,966 --> 00:21:37,900 I tell him about Sophie Young, new to criminal law. 540 00:21:37,900 --> 00:21:39,266 He vaguely remembers her. 541 00:21:39,633 --> 00:21:41,733 I'm supervising her in a client conference. 542 00:21:41,733 --> 00:21:44,266 The client says he wants to plead not guilty. 543 00:21:44,533 --> 00:21:47,033 And she says to him, no, I swear to you, she says, 544 00:21:47,466 --> 00:21:48,866 but tell me the truth. 545 00:21:49,366 --> 00:21:50,366 Did you do it? 546 00:21:50,633 --> 00:21:51,533 Adam shakes his head. 547 00:21:51,533 --> 00:21:53,466 So I jump in, you know, hold everything Sophie. 548 00:21:53,966 --> 00:21:55,033 Take her to one side. 549 00:21:55,033 --> 00:21:56,366 What the fuck are you doing? 550 00:21:56,766 --> 00:21:58,033 She's all, what, what? 551 00:21:58,033 --> 00:21:58,666 I'm telling her. 552 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:00,133 He's pleading not guilty. 553 00:22:00,666 --> 00:22:02,466 What if he now tells you he did it? 554 00:22:02,766 --> 00:22:04,633 It limits what you can say in court. 555 00:22:04,633 --> 00:22:05,733 She goes, so-- 556 00:22:06,066 --> 00:22:06,733 No idea. 557 00:22:07,166 --> 00:22:09,266 Adam jokingly slaps his forehead. 558 00:22:09,733 --> 00:22:11,633 You're walking an ethical tightrope, Sophie. 559 00:22:12,133 --> 00:22:13,966 You don't get to ask him if he did it. 560 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,033 You take his instructions, and that is it. 561 00:22:16,033 --> 00:22:18,266 If he has a case, you run it, end of story. 562 00:22:18,266 --> 00:22:19,366 You don't play God. 563 00:22:19,799 --> 00:22:20,833 You don't decide. 564 00:22:21,266 --> 00:22:21,933 Or judge. 565 00:22:21,933 --> 00:22:22,933 Adam is laughing now. 566 00:22:22,933 --> 00:22:25,666 She said to me, no, I swear this is word for word. 567 00:22:26,033 --> 00:22:27,299 But what if he did it? 568 00:22:27,599 --> 00:22:29,833 Would I still have to defend him? 569 00:22:29,833 --> 00:22:31,133 Adam bites into his sandwich. 570 00:22:31,466 --> 00:22:32,500 Did she apologize? 571 00:22:32,500 --> 00:22:32,966 Are you kidding? 572 00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:35,633 She left, and she never came back. 573 00:22:37,066 --> 00:22:38,033 We both laugh. 574 00:22:38,966 --> 00:22:41,566 Adam and I, we got voted the best criminal, 575 00:22:41,666 --> 00:22:44,866 senior, junior, defense barristers in chambers. 576 00:22:44,866 --> 00:22:48,033 Well, I mean, I have to admit, Adam is the best. 577 00:22:48,033 --> 00:22:48,966 Everyone knows it. 578 00:22:49,333 --> 00:22:51,233 He's a nice guy, too smart. 579 00:22:51,833 --> 00:22:53,866 And Adam cross-examines so politely. 580 00:22:53,900 --> 00:22:57,033 When he cross-examines a sexual assault victim-- 581 00:22:57,033 --> 00:23:00,733 alleged victim, he gently moves them into thinking 582 00:23:00,733 --> 00:23:02,099 he is on their side. 583 00:23:02,233 --> 00:23:03,400 He never goes in for the kill. 584 00:23:04,366 --> 00:23:07,866 He lulls them with sympathy and then analyzes their answers. 585 00:23:08,433 --> 00:23:11,099 His view is there is no need to cause pain. 586 00:23:11,533 --> 00:23:13,266 They're usually so uncorroborated, 587 00:23:13,266 --> 00:23:15,033 and the law is the law. 588 00:23:15,033 --> 00:23:17,766 If there is any doubt, then it's about uncovering it. 589 00:23:18,266 --> 00:23:19,966 It's helpful for me to talk to Adam. 590 00:23:20,466 --> 00:23:23,533 I mean, it makes me, a better lawyer, stand outside. 591 00:23:23,833 --> 00:23:24,766 Don't take sides. 592 00:23:25,500 --> 00:23:26,133 Test the law. 593 00:23:26,799 --> 00:23:27,233 Test it. 594 00:23:27,466 --> 00:23:28,033 Test it. 595 00:23:28,599 --> 00:23:31,533 And if the story has holes, then point them out, 596 00:23:31,566 --> 00:23:33,566 because it's not just your case. 597 00:23:34,033 --> 00:23:37,066 It's the law that is at stake, and the law, it is there 598 00:23:37,066 --> 00:23:37,833 to protect everyone. 599 00:23:38,266 --> 00:23:39,333 To protect those who accuse. 600 00:23:39,766 --> 00:23:40,933 Protect those who are accused. 601 00:23:41,366 --> 00:23:43,533 Protect the police that don't cut corners. 602 00:23:43,533 --> 00:23:45,033 The police that do are exposed. 603 00:23:45,666 --> 00:23:47,900 We can't just prejudge someone. 604 00:23:47,933 --> 00:23:48,599 OK. 605 00:23:48,799 --> 00:23:49,099 OK. 606 00:23:49,099 --> 00:23:51,133 If a few guilty people get off, 607 00:23:51,133 --> 00:23:53,733 it's because the job was not done well enough by the prosecution 608 00:23:53,900 --> 00:23:54,566 and the police. 609 00:23:55,066 --> 00:23:59,133 Due process, it's everything, but there is always 610 00:23:59,366 --> 00:24:02,833 that question every dinner party. 611 00:24:03,433 --> 00:24:07,533 How do you act for someone who you know did it? 612 00:24:07,766 --> 00:24:10,099 But a lawyer's job is not that grand. 613 00:24:10,666 --> 00:24:10,933 No. 614 00:24:11,533 --> 00:24:13,200 The job is not to know. 615 00:24:13,633 --> 00:24:15,333 It's to not know. 616 00:24:17,299 --> 00:24:19,566 The only way the system works is because we all 617 00:24:19,566 --> 00:24:20,500 play our roles. 618 00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:21,966 My role is defense. 619 00:24:22,433 --> 00:24:23,833 The prosecutor prosecutes. 620 00:24:24,166 --> 00:24:26,333 We each tell a story, and the jury 621 00:24:26,366 --> 00:24:29,433 decide which story is the one they believe. 622 00:24:29,633 --> 00:24:31,133 They take the responsibility. 623 00:24:31,866 --> 00:24:34,433 A good lawyer just tells the best version 624 00:24:34,433 --> 00:24:35,700 of their client's story. 625 00:24:35,700 --> 00:24:37,466 Nothing more, nothing else. 626 00:24:37,466 --> 00:24:39,333 Just a storyteller. 627 00:24:39,866 --> 00:24:42,466 A voice piece, never judge, never, ever judge. 628 00:24:42,700 --> 00:24:43,333 Never decide. 629 00:24:43,833 --> 00:24:46,033 The minute you do that, you are fucked. 630 00:24:46,700 --> 00:24:47,433 You've lost. 631 00:24:47,733 --> 00:24:50,133 Well, you are lost. 632 00:24:51,066 --> 00:24:54,299 Julian and I, we burn the midnight oil night after night. 633 00:24:54,866 --> 00:24:56,766 We are both booked out for weeks. 634 00:24:57,733 --> 00:25:01,700 Adam, he seems to somehow go home and work from there. 635 00:25:01,700 --> 00:25:03,366 Adam, he has a kid now. 636 00:25:03,833 --> 00:25:05,433 I mean, I don't know how he does it. 637 00:25:05,433 --> 00:25:08,599 He might just be the cleverest person I know. 638 00:25:08,599 --> 00:25:10,633 He can recite whole sections 639 00:25:11,099 --> 00:25:13,133 of the Criminal Justice Act. 640 00:25:13,133 --> 00:25:15,833 He's a freak. 641 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:19,700 But I like that he sees me as an equal, a brain to trust. 642 00:25:20,533 --> 00:25:24,833 Julian comes in, asks me about his GBH case. 643 00:25:26,166 --> 00:25:26,766 That's tricky. 644 00:25:27,666 --> 00:25:28,966 Looks bad for his client. 645 00:25:29,633 --> 00:25:31,833 Should he plead it out and get a lesser sentence, 646 00:25:32,466 --> 00:25:35,266 we head to his room so he can pour us each a vodka. 647 00:25:36,066 --> 00:25:39,833 If his client pleads, he'll definitely do a few years. 648 00:25:39,833 --> 00:25:40,500 He has a past. 649 00:25:40,766 --> 00:25:43,266 But a guilty plea gives him a discount 650 00:25:43,266 --> 00:25:44,766 on the time he will serve. 651 00:25:45,366 --> 00:25:46,933 On the other hand, there is a strong chance 652 00:25:46,933 --> 00:25:48,533 the facts don't work for the police. 653 00:25:49,533 --> 00:25:50,866 It's a hard decision. 654 00:25:52,833 --> 00:25:53,866 I spot something. 655 00:25:55,066 --> 00:25:57,333 Looks like some of the officers fixed something 656 00:25:57,466 --> 00:25:58,966 to make it look better. 657 00:25:59,233 --> 00:26:01,633 It is a fundamental mistake. 658 00:26:01,633 --> 00:26:02,333 We laugh. 659 00:26:07,533 --> 00:26:09,566 Jules' eyes are on me. 660 00:26:11,700 --> 00:26:12,866 Moves in close. 661 00:26:14,966 --> 00:26:16,433 Too much vodka. 662 00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:18,000 Whoops. 663 00:26:18,633 --> 00:26:21,566 I find myself kissing Jules. 664 00:26:21,966 --> 00:26:25,299 He is more gentle than I thought he would be. 665 00:26:25,299 --> 00:26:27,200 Boyish, sheepish Jules. 666 00:26:27,433 --> 00:26:30,666 Who would have thought he is not a look I would usually 667 00:26:30,733 --> 00:26:31,766 find attractive. 668 00:26:31,766 --> 00:26:34,533 He's all clean and well pampered. 669 00:26:34,933 --> 00:26:38,733 He smells of expensive aftershave sun of a QC. 670 00:26:39,066 --> 00:26:43,033 But right now, he is exactly what I want. 671 00:26:43,333 --> 00:26:46,566 We fuck on the corner sofa in his office. 672 00:26:47,133 --> 00:26:48,566 We laugh about the cliche. 673 00:26:48,566 --> 00:26:51,666 We are barristers doing it in chambers. 674 00:26:53,099 --> 00:26:54,866 He nozzles up close to me afterwards. 675 00:26:55,466 --> 00:26:58,466 Says he was sure I would have a boyfriend. 676 00:26:58,466 --> 00:26:59,033 It's sweet. 677 00:26:59,833 --> 00:27:01,233 How did I become that girl? 678 00:27:01,233 --> 00:27:04,099 I tell him things I don't usually talk about. 679 00:27:04,333 --> 00:27:05,833 And he listens. 680 00:27:07,033 --> 00:27:10,566 But my family, my life losing my dad, he's surprised. 681 00:27:11,366 --> 00:27:15,500 Says he always thought I was another private schoolgirl. 682 00:27:15,500 --> 00:27:16,099 I laugh. 683 00:27:16,333 --> 00:27:16,866 Watch this. 684 00:27:17,433 --> 00:27:20,333 I can do private schoolgirl better than private schoolgirls. 685 00:27:22,099 --> 00:27:24,500 He's not sure how to take this. 686 00:27:25,266 --> 00:27:27,566 Am I mocking him and his people? 687 00:27:29,700 --> 00:27:32,433 He snores slightly as he falls asleep. 688 00:27:33,933 --> 00:27:38,366 I-- well, I read a case. 689 00:27:39,333 --> 00:27:40,666 I wake him at four. 690 00:27:40,700 --> 00:27:45,633 I tell him, I need to get back and got to feed my cat. 691 00:27:46,466 --> 00:27:46,966 We dress. 692 00:27:47,633 --> 00:27:48,533 I order an Uber. 693 00:27:49,166 --> 00:27:51,200 He gets in the car with me. 694 00:27:52,133 --> 00:27:52,833 You're coming. 695 00:27:52,833 --> 00:27:53,433 Or I could-- 696 00:27:55,033 --> 00:27:57,066 I could not, if you prefer. 697 00:27:58,666 --> 00:27:59,866 Well, I need to sleep. 698 00:28:00,933 --> 00:28:02,333 Jules is nervous. 699 00:28:02,633 --> 00:28:06,799 Could we do something this week? 700 00:28:06,833 --> 00:28:09,833 Jules is nervous. 701 00:28:10,266 --> 00:28:10,866 Or we don't. 702 00:28:10,866 --> 00:28:12,500 We don't have to, if you feel-- 703 00:28:13,566 --> 00:28:14,933 if you feel weird. 704 00:28:16,233 --> 00:28:17,166 I do feel weird. 705 00:28:17,766 --> 00:28:20,166 Our rooms are on the same floor in chambers. 706 00:28:20,433 --> 00:28:21,400 It is Julian. 707 00:28:22,966 --> 00:28:24,466 I do want to see him again. 708 00:28:25,533 --> 00:28:30,066 Cross-examining police officers can be kind of fun. 709 00:28:31,700 --> 00:28:32,233 I know. 710 00:28:32,233 --> 00:28:32,599 I know. 711 00:28:33,233 --> 00:28:34,066 Sounds bad, right? 712 00:28:34,466 --> 00:28:35,000 Some of them. 713 00:28:35,533 --> 00:28:37,900 Some of them can be so friggin' self-righteous. 714 00:28:38,666 --> 00:28:42,233 Show me an officer who hasn't run their story past their 715 00:28:42,233 --> 00:28:44,566 partner trying to close the gaps. 716 00:28:45,233 --> 00:28:48,466 If you try to play God in the system, you are damned. 717 00:28:48,733 --> 00:28:49,366 But the police-- 718 00:28:50,433 --> 00:28:50,933 they forget. 719 00:28:51,733 --> 00:28:53,700 They think they are the system. 720 00:28:54,033 --> 00:28:58,066 So the trick is to get under their skin. 721 00:28:58,733 --> 00:29:02,866 If you aggravate them, they get defensive and they make mistakes. 722 00:29:02,866 --> 00:29:07,233 And you can discredit anything they have said before. 723 00:29:07,233 --> 00:29:10,533 Just last week-- Snares Brook Crown Court. 724 00:29:14,033 --> 00:29:18,633 I suggest you are a man who is quick to anger, Constable. 725 00:29:18,966 --> 00:29:19,500 No. 726 00:29:19,933 --> 00:29:20,966 And it's not Constable. 727 00:29:21,200 --> 00:29:21,733 It's Sergeant. 728 00:29:23,099 --> 00:29:25,733 I suggest you are a man who is likely to make 729 00:29:25,766 --> 00:29:26,799 mistakes, Constable. 730 00:29:27,166 --> 00:29:27,400 No. 731 00:29:28,166 --> 00:29:29,066 And it's Sergeant. 732 00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:33,200 But you have made some inconsistent statements here in 733 00:29:33,233 --> 00:29:34,866 court today, haven't you, Constable? 734 00:29:35,099 --> 00:29:35,966 Oh, I am sorry. 735 00:29:37,166 --> 00:29:39,766 Sergeant, I made a simple mistake. 736 00:29:40,700 --> 00:29:44,299 But you did read your partner's statement before you 737 00:29:44,299 --> 00:29:46,433 wrote your own, didn't you, Sergeant? 738 00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:47,866 I don't know. 739 00:29:48,166 --> 00:29:50,566 I suggest that you do know, sir. 740 00:29:51,533 --> 00:29:51,833 Yes. 741 00:29:53,133 --> 00:29:55,833 So, well, that's interesting. 742 00:29:56,433 --> 00:30:00,799 Because your partner has said the exact opposite here in 743 00:30:00,866 --> 00:30:02,566 court today, Constable. 744 00:30:02,933 --> 00:30:03,866 It's Sergeant. 745 00:30:05,766 --> 00:30:06,666 Oh, I am sorry. 746 00:30:07,566 --> 00:30:10,966 I didn't mean to make you angry, sir. 747 00:30:11,833 --> 00:30:14,133 But thank you so much for your frank answers and for 748 00:30:14,133 --> 00:30:15,566 assisting the court today. 749 00:30:15,566 --> 00:30:18,633 Judge: Miss Ensler. Thank you, your honor. 750 00:30:18,633 --> 00:30:20,366 I have no further questions. 751 00:30:20,599 --> 00:30:23,933 But cross-examination in a sexual assault case, 752 00:30:23,933 --> 00:30:25,733 i t is a completely different thing. 753 00:30:26,266 --> 00:30:29,133 In sexual assault cases, it's usually just one person's 754 00:30:29,133 --> 00:30:29,933 word against the other. 755 00:30:29,933 --> 00:30:30,200 Yes. 756 00:30:30,766 --> 00:30:31,766 The sex act happened. 757 00:30:32,233 --> 00:30:34,066 But was it consensual or not? 758 00:30:34,066 --> 00:30:34,500 The story. 759 00:30:35,133 --> 00:30:37,266 It has to make legal truth. 760 00:30:37,900 --> 00:30:40,299 The defense doesn't have to prove she did consent. 761 00:30:40,733 --> 00:30:43,133 You just have to point out he did not know 762 00:30:43,133 --> 00:30:44,933 there was no consent. 763 00:30:45,266 --> 00:30:48,333 Was it reasonable for him to think it was OK? 764 00:30:48,466 --> 00:30:52,666 I feel for the alleged victim, the complainant, I really do. 765 00:30:52,666 --> 00:30:55,566 I can tell they're scared of what I might ask them. 766 00:30:55,566 --> 00:30:58,666 Some of the male barristers, they still use this tone, 767 00:30:58,666 --> 00:31:01,433 make them look like liars, doubt themselves. 768 00:31:01,933 --> 00:31:04,799 I am clear and concise, nothing more. 769 00:31:05,166 --> 00:31:07,433 A complainant doesn't realize it, but they are actually 770 00:31:07,433 --> 00:31:08,666 lucky it's me doing this. 771 00:31:09,066 --> 00:31:11,166 Testing the case without destroying them. 772 00:31:11,166 --> 00:31:14,000 And yet sometimes... 773 00:31:17,366 --> 00:31:20,166 I remember this one case. 774 00:31:21,566 --> 00:31:22,900 No screening court. 775 00:31:24,966 --> 00:31:30,766 Her choice, this woman, she looked at me square in the face 776 00:31:30,766 --> 00:31:33,966 and she said, I'm not getting anything out of this. 777 00:31:33,966 --> 00:31:35,299 I don't want to be here. 778 00:31:35,733 --> 00:31:38,733 I'm just doing this to protect other women from this man. 779 00:31:39,633 --> 00:31:42,733 Jenna, it shocked me and I admired her. 780 00:31:42,733 --> 00:31:45,433 It is just I am trained to think differently. 781 00:31:45,633 --> 00:31:46,066 Jenna lost. 782 00:31:47,033 --> 00:31:49,533 She was so composed throughout all her evidence. 783 00:31:49,533 --> 00:31:54,500 But afterwards, I saw her fold into, what if he did it? 784 00:31:55,299 --> 00:31:56,166 I got him off. 785 00:31:57,099 --> 00:31:57,299 Shit. 786 00:31:58,000 --> 00:31:59,133 I can't think like that. 787 00:31:59,633 --> 00:32:01,333 The prosecutor should have done a better job. 788 00:32:01,333 --> 00:32:04,400 My job is just to point out holes in the crown's story. 789 00:32:04,599 --> 00:32:07,233 Because you know, I mean, we all think 790 00:32:07,233 --> 00:32:09,333 we know the absolute truth of our lives. 791 00:32:09,333 --> 00:32:10,866 But how many times have we-- 792 00:32:11,166 --> 00:32:13,433 have we swore the dress we wore to a party was red 793 00:32:13,433 --> 00:32:15,166 and then seen a photo of a blue dress? 794 00:32:15,833 --> 00:32:17,533 Swore we put our keys here but left them there. 795 00:32:17,799 --> 00:32:18,566 People are fallible. 796 00:32:19,066 --> 00:32:19,733 And they're weird. 797 00:32:20,033 --> 00:32:23,700 It has to be tested, especially if someone's freedom is 798 00:32:23,700 --> 00:32:24,266 at stake. 799 00:32:24,833 --> 00:32:26,566 Did he intend to cause harm? 800 00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:29,400 Her word against his, I test her with. 801 00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:31,533 Her version of the story in court. 802 00:32:31,833 --> 00:32:32,366 Test it. 803 00:32:32,366 --> 00:32:32,866 Test it. 804 00:32:33,599 --> 00:32:36,533 And it's the jury wh take the responsibility. 805 00:32:36,866 --> 00:32:37,966 I don't make the decision. 806 00:32:38,433 --> 00:32:39,000 Not me. 807 00:32:39,633 --> 00:32:41,900 I'm sorry, Jenna, but I need to ask you a few questions. 808 00:32:42,866 --> 00:32:44,866 You said you removed your clothing yourself. 809 00:32:45,099 --> 00:32:45,566 Is that right? 810 00:32:46,533 --> 00:32:48,166 And we know that you had been drinking 811 00:32:48,166 --> 00:32:49,366 that night at a club. 812 00:32:49,799 --> 00:32:53,099 But would you agree with me that you had three glasses 813 00:32:53,266 --> 00:32:57,666 of gin and tonic, two vodka lines, and two or three 814 00:32:57,666 --> 00:32:59,799 glasses of wine? 815 00:32:59,799 --> 00:33:02,066 And would I be correct to assume that these were all 816 00:33:02,066 --> 00:33:04,500 at least standard bar sizes? 817 00:33:05,033 --> 00:33:08,933 And then you invited my client back to your home 818 00:33:08,933 --> 00:33:11,433 where you both consumed more alcohol. 819 00:33:11,433 --> 00:33:11,966 You agree. 820 00:33:12,366 --> 00:33:13,366 You both drank vodka. 821 00:33:14,799 --> 00:33:17,266 And is it possible that you were intoxicated? 822 00:33:18,666 --> 00:33:21,366 And while you were intoxicated, you agree, 823 00:33:21,366 --> 00:33:23,033 that the events of that evening 824 00:33:23,033 --> 00:33:26,799 were a bit blurry, as you stated. 825 00:33:27,200 --> 00:33:29,200 So when you took off your clothing, 826 00:33:29,866 --> 00:33:32,633 you were not saying 'no', were you? 827 00:33:32,900 --> 00:33:36,833 And if in your mind you had perhaps reconsidered, 828 00:33:36,833 --> 00:33:39,833 you didn't manage to say this at any stage. 829 00:33:40,366 --> 00:33:43,666 And I suggest to you that it wasn't until your sister 830 00:33:43,666 --> 00:33:46,966 asked about the evening a few nights later 831 00:33:46,966 --> 00:33:50,933 that you first indicated it might be sexual assault. 832 00:33:52,433 --> 00:33:53,433 Thank you so much. 833 00:33:54,066 --> 00:33:56,533 I am sorry if I've caused you any distress. 834 00:33:56,733 --> 00:33:57,333 You understand, 835 00:33:57,933 --> 00:34:01,266 My role is to ask questions that can shed some light 836 00:34:01,266 --> 00:34:02,466 on the evening. 837 00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:04,433 She hates me. 838 00:34:05,066 --> 00:34:08,066 Call Mia!-- In a different time zone. 839 00:34:08,333 --> 00:34:11,033 Oh, she's in Australia. 840 00:34:11,033 --> 00:34:13,266 She's doing some acting gig. 841 00:34:14,666 --> 00:34:15,566 I miss her. 842 00:34:15,966 --> 00:34:17,233 I mean, we talk about everything. 843 00:34:17,866 --> 00:34:19,133 A long, long call. 844 00:34:19,933 --> 00:34:23,466 I'm on my balcony in my dressing gown with a cigarette. 845 00:34:24,033 --> 00:34:27,566 I tell her everything about Jules. 846 00:34:27,566 --> 00:34:28,099 She laughs. 847 00:34:28,433 --> 00:34:30,366 She asked more questions. 848 00:34:30,733 --> 00:34:33,833 Mia said she thinks I'm falling for him. 849 00:34:34,333 --> 00:34:35,233 Maybe she's right. 850 00:34:35,466 --> 00:34:36,300 No, maybe. 851 00:34:36,699 --> 00:34:37,400 Tessa and Julian. 852 00:34:37,733 --> 00:34:39,233 Julian and Tess. 853 00:34:39,500 --> 00:34:40,500 Oh, stop. 854 00:34:41,133 --> 00:34:42,566 Well, I told Alice the next day, well, 855 00:34:43,099 --> 00:34:46,466 you know, we might have been flirting a bit. 856 00:34:46,466 --> 00:34:49,133 She said she could see it heading that way. 857 00:34:49,666 --> 00:34:50,933 Told me to enjoy it. 858 00:34:50,933 --> 00:34:52,233 Said he's a great guy. 859 00:34:52,233 --> 00:34:53,900 That I look really happy. 860 00:34:54,566 --> 00:34:55,566 I never told Adam. 861 00:34:56,033 --> 00:34:56,866 I'm not sure why. 862 00:34:57,366 --> 00:34:59,166 Maybe because it's a chambers thing. 863 00:34:59,166 --> 00:35:01,533 Also, him and Jules are really good mates. 864 00:35:02,033 --> 00:35:05,433 Or did I not want Adam to think of me as Julian's girlfriend? 865 00:35:06,533 --> 00:35:07,433 I'm not sure. 866 00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:09,933 Still not sure. 867 00:35:10,833 --> 00:35:12,966 Alice and I, we go shopping, have lunch. 868 00:35:13,733 --> 00:35:14,966 I wear it that night. 869 00:35:15,466 --> 00:35:18,366 But before I leave, I prep my brief for Monday. 870 00:35:18,933 --> 00:35:21,533 I pack my horse hair wig into my barrister's bag. 871 00:35:22,133 --> 00:35:23,466 Robes folded in there too. 872 00:35:23,966 --> 00:35:26,366 I run into a QC in the square outside. 873 00:35:26,933 --> 00:35:30,000 He says he was very impressed with the work I've been doing. 874 00:35:30,000 --> 00:35:30,633 It feels great. 875 00:35:31,099 --> 00:35:31,766 What a compliment. 876 00:35:32,333 --> 00:35:35,533 He asks if I'm interested in a tenancy that's become available 877 00:35:35,533 --> 00:35:36,500 in his chambers. 878 00:35:37,033 --> 00:35:40,233 It's a prestigious chambers with top level silks. 879 00:35:40,233 --> 00:35:41,033 I'm speechless. 880 00:35:42,033 --> 00:35:42,833 It's a huge honor. 881 00:35:43,333 --> 00:35:46,033 He suggests I come by and grab coffee with him. 882 00:35:46,266 --> 00:35:49,000 I-- I dare to nod. 883 00:35:50,099 --> 00:35:52,166 I am not sure I could ever justify 884 00:35:52,166 --> 00:35:53,833 the cost of the new chambers. 885 00:35:54,099 --> 00:35:56,533 But I mean, it gets me thinking. 886 00:35:57,366 --> 00:36:01,166 You know, I mean, if things with Julian go well, maybe moving. 887 00:36:01,233 --> 00:36:02,833 Eventually, it might be a good idea. 888 00:36:03,166 --> 00:36:06,099 You can't be a couple in the same chambers. 889 00:36:06,533 --> 00:36:07,000 Stop. 890 00:36:07,366 --> 00:36:12,233 Julian meets me at the Japanese place on the corner. 891 00:36:14,766 --> 00:36:19,433 We talk about work, life, books, everything. 892 00:36:20,166 --> 00:36:22,666 We pour saki for each other. 893 00:36:23,666 --> 00:36:25,533 There are a few people we know 894 00:36:25,900 --> 00:36:27,866 at the other end of the restaurant. 895 00:36:28,066 --> 00:36:30,599 We giggle as we duck our heads. 896 00:36:31,166 --> 00:36:31,733 We leave. 897 00:36:32,033 --> 00:36:35,733 Shall we-- shall we get some wine? 898 00:36:36,166 --> 00:36:40,766 Get some gelato from the posh place up the road? 899 00:36:42,666 --> 00:36:44,300 We Uber it to mine. 900 00:36:48,666 --> 00:36:53,300 Kissing in the back, slowly, warm. 901 00:36:54,233 --> 00:37:00,066 When we get to my place, he...he... he pours us some wine. 902 00:37:00,300 --> 00:37:03,099 I'll get the-- I'll get the sound system happening. 903 00:37:03,099 --> 00:37:03,766 Fuck! 904 00:37:04,099 --> 00:37:11,233 Alexa, play a-- play something like a-- Coldplay. 905 00:37:12,333 --> 00:37:14,800 Oh, because I know he's a fan. 906 00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:18,733 We both grab a spoon, dig into the gelato box together, 907 00:37:19,033 --> 00:37:20,166 feeding each other. 908 00:37:20,866 --> 00:37:26,133 The wine is a nice red smooth, mixed with the cool gelato. 909 00:37:26,133 --> 00:37:29,099 And we kiss in the icy bliss. 910 00:37:31,366 --> 00:37:32,900 And talk. 911 00:37:33,733 --> 00:37:37,366 We talk about past relationships. 912 00:37:38,166 --> 00:37:42,933 Well, mine are not that many, but, oh, he has a few. 913 00:37:43,766 --> 00:37:44,400 We drink. 914 00:37:45,033 --> 00:37:50,333 He's telling me he's been doing pro bono work in a legal center. 915 00:37:50,666 --> 00:37:51,933 I love that. 916 00:37:52,300 --> 00:37:53,266 I swoon a bit. 917 00:37:53,900 --> 00:37:55,233 We talk about his family. 918 00:37:55,866 --> 00:37:58,533 His dad is a top barrister, and his mom 919 00:37:58,733 --> 00:38:01,566 is a physiotherapist, of course. 920 00:38:02,966 --> 00:38:03,733 We kiss. 921 00:38:04,633 --> 00:38:05,966 I feel dizzy. 922 00:38:06,533 --> 00:38:09,233 I'm not sure if it's the kiss or the wine. 923 00:38:09,766 --> 00:38:11,166 I take off my dress. 924 00:38:11,166 --> 00:38:14,233 Julian takes off his shirt and cups my breasts. 925 00:38:15,333 --> 00:38:18,233 Somehow, my bra is also gone. 926 00:38:19,933 --> 00:38:21,000 It's hot and sexy. 927 00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:23,233 We move to my room. 928 00:38:23,533 --> 00:38:26,400 Head to the bed seem to fall into having sex. 929 00:38:27,033 --> 00:38:30,933 It's nice, smooth, different from the time in chambers 930 00:38:31,066 --> 00:38:32,099 we doze off. 931 00:38:32,533 --> 00:38:34,333 I'm not sure for how long. 932 00:38:34,333 --> 00:38:38,666 Later that night, kissing and touching, I close my eyes. 933 00:38:38,666 --> 00:38:39,800 We are in sync. 934 00:38:40,033 --> 00:38:40,800 It's nice. 935 00:38:41,466 --> 00:38:42,866 Until I get this... 936 00:38:42,866 --> 00:38:46,699 this overwhelming desire to a-- 937 00:38:46,966 --> 00:38:49,133 to vomit. 938 00:38:49,733 --> 00:38:50,733 I push him off me. 939 00:38:51,133 --> 00:38:55,099 I rush to the loo, just make it. Vomiting my guts out. 940 00:38:57,033 --> 00:39:01,000 I feel everything, hideous. Vomiting. 941 00:39:01,000 --> 00:39:03,533 The dank smell of the toilet bowl. 942 00:39:06,300 --> 00:39:07,599 Am I naked? 943 00:39:08,300 --> 00:39:11,500 Squatting on the floor, and Julian is in my bed, 944 00:39:11,933 --> 00:39:13,066 hearing me vomit. 945 00:39:13,633 --> 00:39:14,466 Are you OK? 946 00:39:17,566 --> 00:39:18,699 Yeah, I'm fine. 947 00:39:18,933 --> 00:39:26,466 It's just the red wine mixed with the ice cream. 948 00:39:30,433 --> 00:39:31,599 I feel crap. 949 00:39:32,566 --> 00:39:33,333 I can't move. 950 00:39:34,300 --> 00:39:35,833 I must have been there for a while. 951 00:39:36,866 --> 00:39:41,433 I feel Julian lift me, carrying me carefully back to the bed. 952 00:39:41,433 --> 00:39:42,733 I keep my face away. 953 00:39:42,733 --> 00:39:44,633 I must smell dreadful. 954 00:39:45,366 --> 00:39:47,833 He whispers in my ear, are you OK? 955 00:39:49,500 --> 00:39:51,333 Yeah, I'm just a bit-- 956 00:39:53,400 --> 00:39:55,133 O h, I fall partly asleep. 957 00:39:56,366 --> 00:39:59,366 And then Julian's face is kissing mine. 958 00:39:59,666 --> 00:40:00,633 I try to move. 959 00:40:01,566 --> 00:40:02,766 I need to brush my teeth. 960 00:40:03,666 --> 00:40:04,933 I can't kiss like this. 961 00:40:04,933 --> 00:40:05,966 I still feel ill. 962 00:40:06,599 --> 00:40:07,533 Dizzy drunk, 963 00:40:07,800 --> 00:40:08,400 I laugh. 964 00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:09,866 I feel gross. 965 00:40:12,866 --> 00:40:15,133 He tells me I am beautiful. 966 00:40:15,733 --> 00:40:17,233 Keeps kissing me. 967 00:40:17,233 --> 00:40:18,466 I move my face. 968 00:40:19,033 --> 00:40:20,866 His hands are all over me. 969 00:40:20,866 --> 00:40:23,800 I feel-- I feel sick still. 970 00:40:24,866 --> 00:40:27,699 And then somewhere from the corners of my mind, 971 00:40:27,699 --> 00:40:32,466 I hear him say, just lay there and let me make love to you. 972 00:40:32,733 --> 00:40:33,933 I squirm again. 973 00:40:34,666 --> 00:40:38,166 I feel his hands and legs pushing against me. 974 00:40:38,166 --> 00:40:40,666 Suddenly, I am very awake. 975 00:40:40,666 --> 00:40:42,099 He is on top of me. 976 00:40:42,466 --> 00:40:45,933 But his hand is over my face. 977 00:40:46,333 --> 00:40:46,833 Hang on. 978 00:40:47,466 --> 00:40:49,233 This is all too-- no. 979 00:40:49,933 --> 00:40:50,833 I can't breathe. 980 00:40:51,566 --> 00:40:51,966 Stop. 981 00:40:52,733 --> 00:40:54,233 I need to brush my teeth, Julian. 982 00:40:55,233 --> 00:40:57,966 Julian-- I try to push him with my hands. 983 00:40:58,266 --> 00:41:00,833 But he takes my hands, and I can't move. 984 00:41:01,166 --> 00:41:05,766 And he's inside of me. 985 00:41:07,900 --> 00:41:10,533 It's rough and painful. 986 00:41:10,533 --> 00:41:13,066 And it hurts something horrible. 987 00:41:13,433 --> 00:41:16,500 I feel myself leave my body. 988 00:41:16,500 --> 00:41:18,333 This is not happening. 989 00:41:18,566 --> 00:41:21,233 No, no, not happening. 990 00:41:21,266 --> 00:41:26,300 I should find a way to want this. 991 00:41:26,566 --> 00:41:26,933 Yeah, yeah. 992 00:41:27,666 --> 00:41:28,400 Oh, scream. 993 00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:28,900 But I can't. 994 00:41:28,900 --> 00:41:30,033 I can't scream. 995 00:41:30,433 --> 00:41:32,133 His hand is over my mouth. 996 00:41:32,133 --> 00:41:34,333 I feel such panic. 997 00:41:35,466 --> 00:41:37,633 I struggle to get out from under him. 998 00:41:37,633 --> 00:41:40,233 It goes on and on. 999 00:41:40,433 --> 00:41:43,599 I try to bite his hand. 1000 00:41:43,599 --> 00:41:46,000 I writhe around, and I try to kick him. 1001 00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:47,266 I can't breathe properly. 1002 00:41:47,266 --> 00:41:48,099 He... 1003 00:41:49,766 --> 00:41:51,366 he is in a different place. 1004 00:41:51,366 --> 00:41:53,099 I am not there with him. 1005 00:41:54,366 --> 00:41:55,533 He doesn't seem to know. 1006 00:41:55,533 --> 00:41:58,000 He does not seem to care. 1007 00:41:58,000 --> 00:42:02,866 Or is he-- is he a completely different person? 1008 00:42:03,400 --> 00:42:04,666 How can he not know? 1009 00:42:05,233 --> 00:42:07,333 How can he not know? 1010 00:42:07,333 --> 00:42:09,833 I feel a searing pain inside of me. 1011 00:42:10,033 --> 00:42:11,333 I want to vomit again. 1012 00:42:11,766 --> 00:42:13,366 There is no way out. 1013 00:42:13,366 --> 00:42:14,866 His hand is gone. 1014 00:42:25,966 --> 00:42:27,599 But I am not speaking. 1015 00:42:29,699 --> 00:42:33,366 Her eyes on the ceiling, and there is just this-- 1016 00:42:35,500 --> 00:42:37,033 this strange denial. 1017 00:42:37,933 --> 00:42:40,633 Julian slumped on top of me. 1018 00:42:41,333 --> 00:42:43,333 I am there, but I am not. 1019 00:42:46,500 --> 00:42:47,466 Julian snores. 1020 00:42:50,066 --> 00:42:51,266 I cry silently. 1021 00:42:51,866 --> 00:42:54,766 I struggle out of bed. 1022 00:42:55,833 --> 00:43:00,866 I stagger to the loo naked, and I vomit. 1023 00:43:01,500 --> 00:43:04,633 And I vomit, and I vomit, and I brush my teeth. 1024 00:43:06,666 --> 00:43:08,933 I scrub my body skin red. 1025 00:43:09,966 --> 00:43:16,633 I sit in the shower thinking, just trying hard to think. 1026 00:43:18,366 --> 00:43:22,233 The restaurant bill indicates there was a lot of saki 1027 00:43:22,233 --> 00:43:24,533 drunk by the both of you. 1028 00:43:24,966 --> 00:43:26,533 Witnesses saw you laughing, yes? 1029 00:43:27,533 --> 00:43:30,333 You said you removed your clothing yourself. 1030 00:43:30,333 --> 00:43:31,066 Is that right? 1031 00:43:31,433 --> 00:43:35,333 There are two empty red wine bottles at your house. 1032 00:43:35,333 --> 00:43:36,233 Wouldn't you agree? 1033 00:43:36,300 --> 00:43:40,000 You told people you were hooking up with him. 1034 00:43:40,366 --> 00:43:42,366 Had you slept with the defendant before? 1035 00:43:42,366 --> 00:43:45,900 Did you invite him to your home, to your bed? 1036 00:43:47,633 --> 00:43:48,533 I sit in the shower. 1037 00:43:48,766 --> 00:43:49,733 What do I do now? 1038 00:43:50,866 --> 00:43:52,866 Should I call someone? 1039 00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:57,800 I get out of the shower, skin red from the heat. 1040 00:43:58,466 --> 00:44:01,233 I dress in clothes that I have in the spare room, 1041 00:44:01,233 --> 00:44:03,966 summer clothes, because I am not going back in there. 1042 00:44:05,133 --> 00:44:07,733 I clean up the living room, even though I know I should 1043 00:44:07,833 --> 00:44:09,099 leave it in case-- 1044 00:44:09,099 --> 00:44:10,400 just in case-- 1045 00:44:10,699 --> 00:44:13,199 I want to hear the wines. 1046 00:44:13,566 --> 00:44:15,833 And mostly he's in my bed, I see me. 1047 00:44:16,133 --> 00:44:18,966 I see my life, the one I've built, my career. 1048 00:44:20,133 --> 00:44:22,433 My career, what do I do now? 1049 00:44:22,466 --> 00:44:24,566 Because here I am. 1050 00:44:24,566 --> 00:44:25,466 What do I do now? 1051 00:44:26,133 --> 00:44:28,133 Let him take everything away from me, 1052 00:44:28,133 --> 00:44:31,633 become a witness in my own courtroom with Jules, Julian... 1053 00:44:31,633 --> 00:44:34,800 All his dad's contacts running his defense 1054 00:44:34,966 --> 00:44:39,833 by Adam, brilliant Adam, calling witnesses, Mia, Alice, 1055 00:44:40,266 --> 00:44:42,300 Uber driver, waiter at the restaurant, 1056 00:44:42,300 --> 00:44:46,333 people who saw us laughing, gelato server, off-license guy. 1057 00:44:46,333 --> 00:44:46,533 No. 1058 00:44:47,433 --> 00:44:47,699 No. 1059 00:44:48,666 --> 00:44:49,866 This is the legal truth. 1060 00:44:49,866 --> 00:44:52,066 This is how the law tries to understand. 1061 00:44:52,433 --> 00:44:52,599 No. 1062 00:44:52,599 --> 00:44:52,800 No. 1063 00:44:54,300 --> 00:44:55,166 I can't do it. 1064 00:44:55,166 --> 00:44:56,900 I don't know what to do. 1065 00:44:57,166 --> 00:45:00,599 I leave my own place. 1066 00:45:01,199 --> 00:45:02,433 I'm not sure why. 1067 00:45:02,433 --> 00:45:03,033 Where to go? 1068 00:45:04,533 --> 00:45:09,033 I wander down the street, freezing in a skirt and sandals. 1069 00:45:10,233 --> 00:45:13,333 I walk for three hours until I cannot walk anymore. 1070 00:45:13,733 --> 00:45:15,766 I come to a cab rank. 1071 00:45:16,433 --> 00:45:17,800 I get in the first taxi. 1072 00:45:18,933 --> 00:45:21,866 I want to get to Euston Station, catch the train to my mom. 1073 00:45:22,066 --> 00:45:22,533 Sorry, love. 1074 00:45:22,966 --> 00:45:25,233 I'm only doing airport rides this morning. 1075 00:45:25,233 --> 00:45:25,433 What? 1076 00:45:25,966 --> 00:45:28,466 Love, I haven't waited an hour for that lousy ride. 1077 00:45:28,466 --> 00:45:29,233 Well, guess what, mate? 1078 00:45:29,800 --> 00:45:31,166 I mean, you don't get to choose. 1079 00:45:31,433 --> 00:45:32,599 It's my taxi, you. 1080 00:45:33,433 --> 00:45:34,333 You're at a cab rank. 1081 00:45:34,599 --> 00:45:36,066 You go where the ride goes. 1082 00:45:36,066 --> 00:45:36,733 That is the rule. 1083 00:45:36,933 --> 00:45:37,633 Not this time. 1084 00:45:37,833 --> 00:45:40,466 You can get suspended for breaking the rule. 1085 00:45:40,466 --> 00:45:42,633 So if you don't take me, I will report you. 1086 00:45:42,900 --> 00:45:44,433 And I will make sure that you go down. 1087 00:45:44,433 --> 00:45:46,966 I want you to open the door and get out of my cab. 1088 00:45:47,233 --> 00:45:47,433 No. 1089 00:45:47,733 --> 00:45:49,633 If you don't get out, I'm going to call the police. 1090 00:45:49,866 --> 00:45:50,599 That's not fair. 1091 00:45:51,633 --> 00:45:53,066 The guy tears around. 1092 00:45:53,066 --> 00:45:54,000 I see his face. 1093 00:45:54,066 --> 00:45:54,866 Take me in. 1094 00:45:54,866 --> 00:45:55,433 It changes. 1095 00:45:55,766 --> 00:45:57,833 It is not fair. 1096 00:45:57,866 --> 00:45:59,233 [LAUGHTER] 1097 00:45:59,233 --> 00:46:03,333 Come on, I can think of this my mom. 1098 00:46:03,566 --> 00:46:09,000 But I just want to be home with her-- 1099 00:46:10,533 --> 00:46:14,666 I want to wrap myself up against her on the old floral sofa. 1100 00:46:14,666 --> 00:46:18,733 I want to feel the rough heat of her. 1101 00:46:20,566 --> 00:46:22,066 The cabbie hands me a tissue. 1102 00:46:22,066 --> 00:46:23,333 How much time passes. 1103 00:46:23,533 --> 00:46:24,233 Blow my nose. 1104 00:46:26,500 --> 00:46:28,866 I see his eyes in the rear view mirror. 1105 00:46:30,266 --> 00:46:31,099 Kind eyes now. 1106 00:46:33,500 --> 00:46:35,199 I don't know where to go. 1107 00:46:37,366 --> 00:46:38,533 The cabbie waits. 1108 00:46:41,233 --> 00:46:42,400 I look at the car clock. 1109 00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:45,466 6:09 AM. 1110 00:46:48,433 --> 00:46:51,666 Legal instinct tells me this is a losing case. 1111 00:46:51,933 --> 00:46:57,333 But I-- I ask the cabby. 1112 00:46:59,433 --> 00:47:02,500 Can you take me to the nearest police station, please? 1113 00:47:18,433 --> 00:47:25,900 When you've just woke up in the morning 1114 00:47:25,900 --> 00:47:32,866 And the sunlight finds your face 1115 00:47:32,866 --> 00:47:40,833 I will always love you like that 1116 00:47:40,833 --> 00:47:52,733 We'll make a peaceful trace... 1117 00:49:26,333 --> 00:49:31,699 This is me, outside looking in, watching myself. 1118 00:49:32,366 --> 00:49:37,033 Moving through the door, sound of my heels on the floor in a London Crown Court. 1119 00:49:37,366 --> 00:49:41,099 This is me, moving through the security system detached, objective. 1120 00:49:41,366 --> 00:49:43,766 This is me. Bag on the belt. 1121 00:49:43,766 --> 00:49:47,966 This time no lawyers ID, no easy pass, just me. 1122 00:49:48,366 --> 00:49:51,000 Moving through the metal detector, alarm rings. 1123 00:49:51,000 --> 00:49:53,366 Take off my shoes, back through again. 1124 00:49:53,366 --> 00:49:57,866 This is me being swiped by the handheld metal detector 1125 00:49:57,866 --> 00:50:02,666 This time I'm over there, I see black robes swishing, 1126 00:50:02,666 --> 00:50:06,333 horse hair wigs leaning in toward each other, paper folders, 1127 00:50:06,366 --> 00:50:10,033 confident chatter. Did one of them see me? Oh God. 1128 00:50:10,366 --> 00:50:14,066 Head down, this is me, picking up my bag mobile 1129 00:50:14,366 --> 00:50:16,933 walking to the lift with the witness support service. 1130 00:50:16,933 --> 00:50:21,066 This is me,Tessa Ensler. This time no barristers wig, no robe. 1131 00:50:21,366 --> 00:50:25,033 This is what it feels like, same court, no armour. 1132 00:50:25,366 --> 00:50:29,766 This is me, digging my nails into my wrists, this is me. 1133 00:50:30,366 --> 00:50:33,766 Walking into the lift, look at the floor, door shut--ding! 1134 00:50:34,500 --> 00:50:38,133 Barristers, solicitors, police, exit enter, exit--ding! 1135 00:50:38,133 --> 00:50:42,733 Level two, this is me walking out of the lift, find the meeting room 1136 00:50:42,733 --> 00:50:47,033 This is me, in a small windowless room. 1137 00:50:47,366 --> 00:50:51,666 White plastic table, green chair waiting, waiting... 1138 00:50:52,366 --> 00:50:58,266 I've been waiting for 782 days and now today is the day. 1139 00:50:58,366 --> 00:51:01,966 Three years at university, one year at bar school 1140 00:51:02,366 --> 00:51:05,833 and seven years of practice, I have always believed that now, now 1141 00:51:06,366 --> 00:51:10,566 I need to know that I was not mistaken, that I can still believe in you 1142 00:51:10,566 --> 00:51:14,066 can trust, can still hold on to you, believe 1143 00:51:14,366 --> 00:51:18,866 that you will show me that before the law there is justice. 1144 00:51:19,366 --> 00:51:22,733 But I am here and you look so different from this end, 1145 00:51:22,733 --> 00:51:25,766 from this seat in this windowless room. 1146 00:51:26,366 --> 00:51:28,866 The prosecutor Richard, he comes into the room. 1147 00:51:29,666 --> 00:51:34,366 Richard Lawson, I'm lucky he is well respected, he knows the law and here we are 1148 00:51:34,366 --> 00:51:35,800 in a London Crown Court. 1149 00:51:35,800 --> 00:51:40,366 Richard, in his silk robes and wig, ready to run the case. 1150 00:51:40,366 --> 00:51:43,233 After all those adjournments, paperwork, yeah. 1151 00:51:43,533 --> 00:51:47,433 Me, thinking, frustrated, just weighed down by it. 1152 00:51:47,666 --> 00:51:53,233 Today is 782 days since the first day at the police station-- 1153 00:51:53,233 --> 00:51:56,066 The officer was a big guy 1154 00:51:56,733 --> 00:52:02,166 Posters of missing people, one, have a sad looking woman with bruises on her face. 1155 00:52:02,366 --> 00:52:04,300 This is not love. 1156 00:52:04,300 --> 00:52:06,633 A sticker: Be a Hero. 1157 00:52:06,633 --> 00:52:08,599 Stop crying before it happens. 1158 00:52:08,599 --> 00:52:11,500 Not stock straight. Someone, someone's tried to deface it 1159 00:52:11,500 --> 00:52:15,333 but it looks like the pen didn't work properly on the shiny sticker. 1160 00:52:16,000 --> 00:52:18,599 I was led into an interview room. 1161 00:52:19,333 --> 00:52:22,333 I've only ever seen video footage of rooms like this one. 1162 00:52:22,366 --> 00:52:28,133 Watching my client's interrogation with my feet up on the desk in chambers. 1163 00:52:28,366 --> 00:52:32,533 All my satin outrage at the tricks the police play. 1164 00:52:33,366 --> 00:52:36,366 It's different when you're in here 1165 00:52:36,366 --> 00:52:43,633 I'm cold, shivering,--skirts, tops, sandals, dress from the spare room. 1166 00:52:43,633 --> 00:52:46,099 I want to ask for a woman, I need to 1167 00:52:46,099 --> 00:52:48,099 but I don't want to get the big officer offside. 1168 00:52:48,099 --> 00:52:49,766 He must have read my mind. 1169 00:52:49,766 --> 00:52:54,066 He's telling me I can come back when the sexual assault unit is on 1170 00:52:54,066 --> 00:52:58,833 or a woman on duty but I just, I want to get it over with. 1171 00:52:58,833 --> 00:53:07,133 He puts his coffee on the table, scratches around, then the questions start 1172 00:53:07,133 --> 00:53:09,633 Uh, yes 1173 00:53:10,366 --> 00:53:14,333 Tessa Jane Ensler. No, no thank you. yes. 1174 00:53:14,366 --> 00:53:18,766 Yes, I recognise I'm being recorded, yes. 1175 00:53:18,766 --> 00:53:21,933 I wanted to report 1176 00:53:23,366 --> 00:53:27,066 because I think, because I was 1177 00:53:29,733 --> 00:53:31,800 Something happened to me, I was just 1178 00:53:33,366 --> 00:53:39,333 Last night, this morning, I was sexually assaulted 1179 00:53:39,366 --> 00:53:44,666 and I wanted to-- yes, yes he is known to me. 1180 00:53:44,666 --> 00:53:49,666 Julian Brooks. No, no, we, we worked together, I don't know, 1181 00:53:49,666 --> 00:53:51,633 about five years. 1182 00:53:52,699 --> 00:53:55,133 Relationship? Sort of... 1183 00:53:55,133 --> 00:54:00,466 No, well I mean, no, last night it wasn't the first time that we'd been together. 1184 00:54:00,466 --> 00:54:04,400 We hadn't defined anything so... 1185 00:54:05,466 --> 00:54:08,233 So, no, no, not a relationship, no. 1186 00:54:09,366 --> 00:54:12,933 Last week we had... we had sex 1187 00:54:14,366 --> 00:54:18,366 No, no, well it was at work, no, no, no, no 1188 00:54:18,366 --> 00:54:22,800 It was after hours, his office, it just, it sort of happened like that 1189 00:54:23,099 --> 00:54:25,533 Yes, I consented, that time-- 1190 00:54:25,533 --> 00:54:27,533 Silence as he takes this down. 1191 00:54:27,533 --> 00:54:31,900 Then he asks, this is where I have to describe the rape. 1192 00:54:31,900 --> 00:54:35,633 I don't want to be a victim-- damage--no, no, I want to be a survivor. 1193 00:54:35,633 --> 00:54:39,800 But where was this hand? Your leg? His arm? 1194 00:54:39,800 --> 00:54:43,833 So did you use your other hand to push him away, fight back? 1195 00:54:44,366 --> 00:54:48,633 Will he have marks where you fought him, on his hand, where you bit him? 1196 00:54:48,633 --> 00:54:51,533 Then other body parts-- more questions. 1197 00:54:51,533 --> 00:54:53,300 I can't look at the officer anymore. 1198 00:54:53,366 --> 00:54:56,133 I don't know, I don't know. 1199 00:54:56,133 --> 00:54:59,766 Humiliation, distress, wrong or foolish behaviour. 1200 00:55:01,800 --> 00:55:05,666 Was it me? What did I do wrong? I mean was I foolish? 1201 00:55:05,900 --> 00:55:10,366 What should I have done? The officer wants my phone. No, no, I need it. 1202 00:55:10,366 --> 00:55:13,000 He's not happy about this. He leaves the room. 1203 00:55:14,366 --> 00:55:16,833 I'm alone again. 1204 00:55:16,833 --> 00:55:19,199 Waiting...waiting... 1205 00:55:19,199 --> 00:55:20,366 He returns. 1206 00:55:20,366 --> 00:55:25,199 Again, about the phone, I can't, won't it, it's my family, friends, my work. 1207 00:55:25,199 --> 00:55:28,333 The officer gives me a look. I know I am being difficult 1208 00:55:28,366 --> 00:55:33,633 but he tells me a car will take me to the Havens-- 1209 00:55:33,633 --> 00:55:36,000 A forensic medical examination. 1210 00:55:37,366 --> 00:55:41,266 I have to tell him, it might not come up with much 1211 00:55:41,266 --> 00:55:45,633 because I, uh... I had a shower straight after. 1212 00:55:45,633 --> 00:55:53,266 Oh my god, I am a, I am a fucking idiot. 1213 00:55:54,566 --> 00:55:57,966 I've had a shower. I have washed everything away. I mean... 1214 00:55:58,366 --> 00:56:03,066 What if he says we did not have sex, how can I prove-- No. 1215 00:56:03,366 --> 00:56:08,066 No, he is not that stupid. He would have to admit to that factually. 1216 00:56:08,066 --> 00:56:12,300 He would just say, he would just say that it was consensual sex, won't he? 1217 00:56:12,366 --> 00:56:15,566 I look back at the officer. He's chewing gum! 1218 00:56:15,566 --> 00:56:18,266 "Wait till he gets a bastard defence barrister!" 1219 00:56:18,366 --> 00:56:20,099 "They could say anything!" 1220 00:56:20,099 --> 00:56:23,366 Then I tell him, Julian is a bastard defence barrister. 1221 00:56:23,366 --> 00:56:29,099 He stops chewing, rolls his eyes, looks at me as if I've done it deliberately. 1222 00:56:29,099 --> 00:56:33,066 Pick the most challenging defendant. I hear myself, small voice 1223 00:56:33,066 --> 00:56:38,366 I mention, I... I too am a defence barrister. 1224 00:56:38,366 --> 00:56:40,699 I don't know how to interpret the look 1225 00:56:40,699 --> 00:56:43,800 that I get. Is it smug or is it genuinely sympathetic? 1226 00:56:44,366 --> 00:56:47,400 I can't read it, not now. Flat voice: 1227 00:56:47,400 --> 00:56:51,233 "Ah, now you need us though, don't you?" 1228 00:56:51,233 --> 00:56:52,133 Sorry? 1229 00:56:52,366 --> 00:56:56,099 Richard asks me a question. Something about being ready, calm. 1230 00:56:56,366 --> 00:57:00,000 I answer but I don't, I can't, I don't know what I said. 1231 00:57:00,366 --> 00:57:04,833 Eyes on the table. White plastic turning dirty cream. 1232 00:57:04,833 --> 00:57:09,333 Richard asks me if I'm sure about refusing video evidence. Yes. 1233 00:57:09,366 --> 00:57:12,800 I want to look Julian right in the eye. 1234 00:57:13,366 --> 00:57:18,866 This is me, waiting for the court to call the matter with Julian's name on it. 1235 00:57:18,866 --> 00:57:24,633 The Queen v. Julian Brooks. It's on the court list for every single person to see. 1236 00:57:24,633 --> 00:57:27,300 The Queen v. Julian Brooks 1237 00:57:27,366 --> 00:57:31,433 This is me knowing the jury are being empanelled, Courtroom One. 1238 00:57:31,433 --> 00:57:38,366 Julian's barrister is QC, He's probably hoping for as few women as possible, talking strategy. 1239 00:57:38,366 --> 00:57:42,400 Julian in there, giving his opinion, making sure he has the best 1240 00:57:42,400 --> 00:57:45,166 possible chance of being found "not guilty". 1241 00:57:45,166 --> 00:57:49,633 Me? I sit here, waiting till I'm allowed in. 1242 00:57:49,633 --> 00:57:53,800 Richard has to return to the courtroom. He puts his hand on my shoulder. 1243 00:57:53,800 --> 00:57:55,300 I flinch. 1244 00:57:56,366 --> 00:58:01,133 Can't help it. Richard is talking to me, mouth moving. 1245 00:58:01,366 --> 00:58:03,933 Is someone coming to be with you? 1246 00:58:06,366 --> 00:58:09,900 Fuck, I will not cry. 1247 00:58:10,866 --> 00:58:15,266 Hospital bed at the Havens. The forensic medical examination. 1248 00:58:15,366 --> 00:58:19,000 White gown. Waiting for the nurse. 1249 00:58:19,000 --> 00:58:20,166 Name please. 1250 00:58:20,366 --> 00:58:21,833 Tessa Jane Ensler. 1251 00:58:22,500 --> 00:58:24,233 My phone beeps, the text... 1252 00:58:24,366 --> 00:58:28,566 Oh my God, it's him. it's Julian. 1253 00:58:28,566 --> 00:58:29,333 Date of birth? 1254 00:58:29,366 --> 00:58:35,833 "Where are you? Don't tell me you've gone into work, J. Kiss. Kiss" 1255 00:58:35,833 --> 00:58:38,333 The phone feels contaminated. I delete it. 1256 00:58:38,366 --> 00:58:42,266 Instantly regret deleting evidence. What is wrong with me? 1257 00:58:42,566 --> 00:58:45,166 I keep doing this, I should have given the officer my phone. 1258 00:58:45,166 --> 00:58:46,199 Residential address? 1259 00:58:46,366 --> 00:58:49,533 I go cold. He is still at my fucking flat. 1260 00:58:49,533 --> 00:58:54,066 I overcome my urge to throw the phone to the ground, smash it to bits. 1261 00:58:54,066 --> 00:58:55,666 It beeps again. 1262 00:59:00,866 --> 00:59:05,733 "P.S. Hope you're okay after everything? I'm heading off home." 1263 00:59:05,733 --> 00:59:08,766 After everything, question mark. I'm confused. 1264 00:59:08,766 --> 00:59:09,433 Blood pressure. 1265 00:59:09,433 --> 00:59:12,466 Is he worried about himself? About what he did? 1266 00:59:12,466 --> 00:59:13,066 Temperature. 1267 00:59:13,066 --> 00:59:17,466 This time, I am smart, I save the text. I even screen shot it. 1268 00:59:17,599 --> 00:59:23,133 It's 8.30 AM and a woman with gloves is examining my vagina-- photographs. 1269 00:59:23,366 --> 00:59:26,133 Eyes on the ceiling, gritted teeth. 1270 00:59:26,133 --> 00:59:28,500 And Julian is in my flat. 1271 00:59:29,066 --> 00:59:33,099 Taking a shower in my bathroom, looking through my fridge. 1272 00:59:33,099 --> 00:59:39,033 Yesterday, I had imagined, hoped that we might be having breakfast together this morning. 1273 00:59:39,033 --> 00:59:41,099 And what am I doing here? 1274 00:59:41,099 --> 00:59:44,233 I tell the nurse I am not sure. She stops. 1275 00:59:44,366 --> 00:59:48,133 Stands the nurse, says something kind, I don't register it, she is done. 1276 00:59:48,366 --> 00:59:50,066 I will not cry. 1277 00:59:50,066 --> 00:59:53,133 She asks if I have somewhere to go, someone to be with. 1278 00:59:53,366 --> 00:59:59,366 I don't know, I feel out of control. What if I am overreacting. 1279 00:59:59,366 --> 01:00:04,866 I am not. I am not, but I know Julian. I have known him for years. 1280 01:00:04,866 --> 01:00:07,466 This is not love. 1281 01:00:08,366 --> 01:00:11,533 Are they going to arrest him now? 1282 01:00:11,533 --> 01:00:13,000 The nurse is not sure. 1283 01:00:13,000 --> 01:00:15,433 She asks if I want to speak to a social worker. 1284 01:00:15,433 --> 01:00:19,333 No, no thank you, Can I just leave? The nurse calls the police officer in. 1285 01:00:19,366 --> 01:00:24,666 The big officer says he will take the forensic evidence with him. He will be in touch. 1286 01:00:26,633 --> 01:00:27,433 Are... 1287 01:00:28,133 --> 01:00:29,466 Are you going to arrest him? 1288 01:00:29,466 --> 01:00:33,300 Yes. Unless--do you want us to arrest him? 1289 01:00:33,866 --> 01:00:38,699 I can't say yes and I can't say no. but he can't just get away with it can he? 1290 01:00:38,966 --> 01:00:40,500 Pretend it didn't happen. 1291 01:00:40,500 --> 01:00:42,066 I want him to know what he did. 1292 01:00:42,066 --> 01:00:44,133 I don't want a text asking if I am ok. 1293 01:00:44,366 --> 01:00:48,133 I am not fucking ok. I am not ok. 1294 01:00:48,133 --> 01:00:50,733 Will you be willing to give evidence in court? 1295 01:00:50,933 --> 01:00:54,933 I don't want to discourage you from moving forward but it will be tough. 1296 01:00:54,933 --> 01:00:55,666 Then he says 1297 01:00:55,666 --> 01:01:01,233 The Crown Prosecution Service will decide if the case is good enough to go to trial. 1298 01:01:02,366 --> 01:01:09,566 I know this, of course I know it, but it is like a slap. I don't get to decide--no. 1299 01:01:09,566 --> 01:01:15,566 My life is in the hands of the police, the CPS, the court system, I have no control. 1300 01:01:15,566 --> 01:01:21,866 So much at stake, my privacy, my family, my friends, everything. 1301 01:01:21,866 --> 01:01:23,433 I am scared. 1302 01:01:35,833 --> 01:01:39,666 But there is this person inside of me... 1303 01:01:39,666 --> 01:01:42,500 that girl who fought and fought to be seen. 1304 01:01:42,500 --> 01:01:46,866 Look to your left, look to your right. Who won't make it? 1305 01:01:46,866 --> 01:01:48,933 She is brave. 1306 01:01:48,933 --> 01:01:53,500 And if I do nothing, I... 1307 01:01:53,500 --> 01:01:57,000 I think I could lose her. 1308 01:01:59,066 --> 01:02:02,733 Yes. Yes I will give evidence in court. 1309 01:02:02,733 --> 01:02:06,533 My mum arrives-- sensible pants, sensible shoes. 1310 01:02:06,533 --> 01:02:12,866 Clutching her straw bag, the one who gave her for a beer, say "It's a beach bag!" 1311 01:02:13,166 --> 01:02:17,166 I told her, "Pop your sunscreen and your towels in it and off you go!" 1312 01:02:17,166 --> 01:02:19,900 "When do I have time to go to the beach?" 1313 01:02:19,933 --> 01:02:21,233 Fail! 1314 01:02:21,800 --> 01:02:25,800 She looks so afraid. But she is here because of me. 1315 01:02:26,166 --> 01:02:28,833 Everything feels like my fault these days. 1316 01:02:28,833 --> 01:02:33,666 After 782 days I cannot stop all the voices: 1317 01:02:33,666 --> 01:02:36,766 you fucked a guy on a sofa in work, 1318 01:02:36,766 --> 01:02:38,599 you invite him back to your home, 1319 01:02:38,599 --> 01:02:41,266 you're so drunk you even vomit. 1320 01:02:41,266 --> 01:02:45,866 Berating myself: you didn't scream or kick enough, 1321 01:02:45,866 --> 01:02:47,533 you just froze. 1322 01:02:48,266 --> 01:02:51,233 In the middle of it all, you just froze. 1323 01:02:51,233 --> 01:02:53,633 What is wrong with you? No, you're pathetic. 1324 01:02:53,633 --> 01:02:57,033 You let him sleep in your bed after he'd done that to you 1325 01:02:57,033 --> 01:02:59,333 while you cried in the shower. 1326 01:02:59,366 --> 01:03:02,866 Julian, he is a good barrister. He does lots of pro bono work-- 1327 01:03:02,866 --> 01:03:04,933 What are you doing to him? 1328 01:03:05,400 --> 01:03:09,133 What if he really thought you were consenting? 1329 01:03:09,133 --> 01:03:13,566 I dig into my thighs with my nails, make myself feel the pain. 1330 01:03:13,566 --> 01:03:20,533 Come on Tess, remember, the law says, it says: you cannot do this to a woman. 1331 01:03:20,533 --> 01:03:28,333 You can't hold her down, keep her trapped while you...you push...you push yourself inside of her. 1332 01:03:28,366 --> 01:03:32,400 You can't rape, and then pretend it was consensual, can you? 1333 01:03:32,400 --> 01:03:35,933 Mum, she hands me a sandwich, strawberry jam. 1334 01:03:36,866 --> 01:03:40,400 My stomach can't take it, but she looks so worried. 1335 01:03:41,366 --> 01:03:47,266 She looks so old now. deep bags are under her eyes. 1336 01:03:47,366 --> 01:03:56,166 Silent, two white bread, the overly sweet taste of strawberry and butter. 1337 01:03:56,699 --> 01:03:58,366 She gets up, 1338 01:04:03,366 --> 01:04:07,833 and she gets up, and she completely engulfs me in this gruff hug. 1339 01:04:08,366 --> 01:04:12,466 Be your strong self. Don't let the bastards get you down, 1340 01:04:12,466 --> 01:04:15,433 even if they get away with it. 1341 01:04:15,433 --> 01:04:19,066 You don't let them ruin our Tessa. 1342 01:04:24,466 --> 01:04:26,233 I won't cry. I won't. 1343 01:04:27,400 --> 01:04:28,500 I won't. 1344 01:04:30,900 --> 01:04:33,466 The trial is set down for just three days. 1345 01:04:34,233 --> 01:04:37,500 it's only me giving evidence, not Julian today. 1346 01:04:37,500 --> 01:04:41,800 Julian is pleading not guilty. He won't admit what he did. 1347 01:04:41,800 --> 01:04:42,966 B ut I know he knows. 1348 01:04:43,933 --> 01:04:47,333 I mean I know he must know. He's not stupid. 1349 01:04:47,333 --> 01:04:48,900 He's just convinced himself and all the people he asked 1350 01:04:49,366 --> 01:04:50,866 And all the people he asked to write letters of support for him, people I know 1351 01:04:50,866 --> 01:04:52,766 to write letters of support for him. 1352 01:04:52,766 --> 01:04:55,099 People I know. 1353 01:04:55,366 --> 01:05:01,366 He's convinced himself and them that I am a liar, and I'm doing this to destroy him. 1354 01:05:01,366 --> 01:05:06,199 He has convinced himself that he is the victim. 1355 01:05:06,966 --> 01:05:12,599 While me, I'm forced to say the words, relive it all in front of everyone. 1356 01:05:12,599 --> 01:05:16,866 Why? How can he sit there and not be cross-examined? 1357 01:05:16,866 --> 01:05:17,966 he did this to me. 1358 01:05:17,966 --> 01:05:19,800 I am the one on trial. 1359 01:05:20,233 --> 01:05:27,699 Mum's face--I can't help thinking she knows what it is to be violated somehow. 1360 01:05:28,900 --> 01:05:30,599 I will never ask... 1361 01:05:32,699 --> 01:05:37,133 White bread is lumps in my throat, swallowing is hard. 1362 01:05:37,133 --> 01:05:38,033 Richard appears. 1363 01:05:38,733 --> 01:05:46,166 We have a jury. How many women? Four." Is that good?" Me mum asks. I don't know. 1364 01:05:46,366 --> 01:05:50,400 I mean women can't be just as bad at believing other women. Why is that? 1365 01:05:50,400 --> 01:05:50,800 Eh? 1366 01:05:51,633 --> 01:05:55,833 Why is that? Me mum goes off to find the loo. 1367 01:05:56,166 --> 01:05:57,566 I'm alone again. 1368 01:05:57,566 --> 01:06:01,233 Mia! I need her. I get out my phone. 1369 01:06:01,233 --> 01:06:03,933 I scroll through this morning's text. 1370 01:06:03,933 --> 01:06:08,433 She's doing Shakespeare, on a cruise ship? 1371 01:06:08,433 --> 01:06:09,500 I feel stronger. 1372 01:06:09,500 --> 01:06:14,366 Mia is on team Tessa. Richard, he is in the courtroom. 1373 01:06:14,366 --> 01:06:16,433 Once he gives the prosecution opening address, 1374 01:06:16,433 --> 01:06:18,566 I will be called in as the first witness. 1375 01:06:18,566 --> 01:06:22,333 Julian in there, able to hear everything, the opening. 1376 01:06:22,366 --> 01:06:27,366 I mean sitting back knowing he will not have to say a word. 1377 01:06:29,099 --> 01:06:31,766 I psych myself up for what's to come. 1378 01:06:33,699 --> 01:06:37,066 I get out my mirror, fix my make-up. 1379 01:06:37,066 --> 01:06:40,233 My outfit is chosen from my lawyer's wardrobe, yeah. 1380 01:06:40,233 --> 01:06:47,699 It's a perfect blend of I am a...I am a strong woman. I am not ashamed and I am not a slut. 1381 01:06:47,699 --> 01:06:50,333 My mum comes in just as a police officer enters. 1382 01:06:50,366 --> 01:06:54,166 A young woman so tiny in her uniform, batton in her holster. 1383 01:06:54,366 --> 01:06:56,066 They're calling for you now, Tessa. 1384 01:06:56,066 --> 01:06:58,866 Can you take my mum with you? 1385 01:06:59,266 --> 01:07:02,733 She nods. She takes my mum's arm, but before she leaves 1386 01:07:02,733 --> 01:07:07,699 she turns at the door, squeezes my upper arm like a friend... 1387 01:07:11,966 --> 01:07:14,066 ...a sister. 1388 01:07:18,366 --> 01:07:26,199 This is me. Walking into the courtroom to give my evidence. 1389 01:07:26,199 --> 01:07:30,833 This is me. Bowing to the judge 1390 01:07:31,900 --> 01:07:36,033 as I make my way in and up to the witness stand. 1391 01:07:37,266 --> 01:07:42,000 This is me. Standing in the witness box. 1392 01:07:42,366 --> 01:07:47,033 As the words coming out of my mouth declare that the evidence I shall give 1393 01:07:47,033 --> 01:07:50,466 shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. 1394 01:07:50,466 --> 01:07:53,099 The air is still. I look up. 1395 01:07:53,599 --> 01:07:57,833 Julian's dad with his mum and brother seated up front in the gallery. 1396 01:07:57,833 --> 01:07:59,933 How they hate me. 1397 01:07:59,933 --> 01:08:04,866 I turn, look at Julian, suited up, seated in the dock. 1398 01:08:04,866 --> 01:08:07,533 A QC and a junior at the starting gate. 1399 01:08:07,533 --> 01:08:10,233 Julian looks right back at me. 1400 01:08:10,366 --> 01:08:12,366 It feels like he's going to mouth 1401 01:08:12,366 --> 01:08:15,333 "I'm sorry", but instead, almost imperceptible, 1402 01:08:15,366 --> 01:08:18,800 a shaking of his head saying, "What have you done?" 1403 01:08:18,800 --> 01:08:22,500 I look at the jury. They will be the ones, these strangers. 1404 01:08:22,500 --> 01:08:25,933 I look at the judge, he's looking at a file on his laptop. 1405 01:08:25,933 --> 01:08:29,800 Bar table, bench--panic-- all the barristers are men. 1406 01:08:29,800 --> 01:08:35,166 The judge, the judge's clerk, the prosecuting council, the police were, 1407 01:08:35,166 --> 01:08:38,333 the instructing solicitor-- I am the only woman. 1408 01:08:38,366 --> 01:08:43,933 Even the court usher is a man! I am the only one, the only woman. 1409 01:08:43,933 --> 01:08:49,866 I can feel my heart thumping, the blood actually rushing through me. 1410 01:08:49,866 --> 01:08:56,133 And after 782 days, after... after being asked over and over again 1411 01:08:56,133 --> 01:08:58,500 "Are you sure you want to go through it this?" 1412 01:08:58,500 --> 01:09:04,766 After all the snide and embarrassed looks at work. The doubts people have expressed about me. 1413 01:09:04,766 --> 01:09:09,733 The statements, the rape kits, the ongoing scouring of my own body. 1414 01:09:09,733 --> 01:09:14,466 The nightmares. The vomiting. The digging into my own flesh. 1415 01:09:14,466 --> 01:09:17,066 I am here. I am right here. 1416 01:09:17,500 --> 01:09:22,800 And the system I dedicated my life to? It's called upon by me to find the truth. 1417 01:09:22,800 --> 01:09:28,433 To provide justice, the prosecutor, Richard, stands to start the prosecution case. 1418 01:09:29,466 --> 01:09:31,300 Twice, I've seen Julian-- 1419 01:09:31,300 --> 01:09:34,833 The first, the first time 1420 01:09:36,466 --> 01:09:42,366 The police, well they hadn't arrested him yet. They called. 1421 01:09:42,366 --> 01:09:47,000 They said it was imminent but they wouldn't do it in his workplace, right. 1422 01:09:47,366 --> 01:09:49,066 It's an interesting case though! 1423 01:09:49,366 --> 01:09:52,333 Two defence barristers fighting it out in court. 1424 01:09:52,366 --> 01:09:56,366 Was an interesting concept for the Crown Prosecution Service. 1425 01:09:56,366 --> 01:09:58,966 The horrible humour in it for them all, the CPS. 1426 01:09:59,366 --> 01:10:01,633 They all knew me before, before... 1427 01:10:02,366 --> 01:10:05,233 Always on the other side, before... 1428 01:10:05,366 --> 01:10:08,566 I tried to prep my brief on Sunday, tired, weepy 1429 01:10:08,566 --> 01:10:12,366 I could not concentrate, slept badly and then Monday 1430 01:10:12,366 --> 01:10:13,733 catch the train in. 1431 01:10:14,366 --> 01:10:16,333 I'm standing across the street from chambers, 1432 01:10:16,366 --> 01:10:18,366 Knees week, head spinning. 1433 01:10:18,366 --> 01:10:20,766 I sit down on some steps. I call Alice. 1434 01:10:21,366 --> 01:10:24,066 Ask her to meet me across the street. I'm hyperventilating. 1435 01:10:24,366 --> 01:10:26,899 I ask her to run my case that day. 1436 01:10:26,899 --> 01:10:28,533 I tell her I have a virus 1437 01:10:28,966 --> 01:10:32,033 She puts me in a cab home. I am terrified. 1438 01:10:32,366 --> 01:10:36,866 How will I ever go back to chambers to work, with Julian there? 1439 01:10:36,866 --> 01:10:40,033 I finally, I finally, I call my mum. 1440 01:10:40,366 --> 01:10:42,699 She's not happy to hear from me. She's at work. 1441 01:10:42,699 --> 01:10:48,133 But I tell her, and within a couple of hours she is at my place. 1442 01:10:48,366 --> 01:10:52,899 I tell her what's happened in as little detail as possible. 1443 01:10:52,899 --> 01:10:55,333 She doesn't seem shocked or desperate. 1444 01:10:55,366 --> 01:10:59,066 She does seem filled with a fury she is trying to control. 1445 01:10:59,066 --> 01:11:02,800 I tell her, "Don't tell my brother, Mum. We both know why." 1446 01:11:02,800 --> 01:11:06,300 She is very clear with me, "You go back to work. 1447 01:11:06,366 --> 01:11:08,833 You do not let this ruin everything you've worked for. 1448 01:11:08,833 --> 01:11:11,233 This is your job, your income, your career." 1449 01:11:13,066 --> 01:11:15,066 I try again on Tuesday. 1450 01:11:15,066 --> 01:11:18,133 I manage to make it inside chambers, Everyone is busy. 1451 01:11:18,366 --> 01:11:21,600 I head to the photocopier and I smack bang run into him. 1452 01:11:21,600 --> 01:11:26,533 "Hey." He's searching my face for something, "Are we good?" 1453 01:11:26,533 --> 01:11:28,833 I guess my look says "Nah." 1454 01:11:28,833 --> 01:11:32,500 "Look, Tess. I'm sorry if I upset you somehow. 1455 01:11:32,500 --> 01:11:34,266 Let me take you for lunch this week." 1456 01:11:34,266 --> 01:11:37,133 I want to say something but I am just-- 1457 01:11:37,366 --> 01:11:40,166 He hesitates, "Look, I can barely remember... 1458 01:11:40,366 --> 01:11:44,300 I drank so much." He * then whirled. 1459 01:11:44,433 --> 01:11:45,666 "We both did." 1460 01:11:46,033 --> 01:11:49,366 We could put it down to that and this whole thing would go away wouldn't it? Yeah. 1461 01:11:49,366 --> 01:11:54,166 Couldn't I just put this down to a really bad drunken sex night? 1462 01:11:54,366 --> 01:11:57,866 Anyway, I'm sorry if I've upset you somehow 1463 01:11:58,366 --> 01:12:01,866 My voice is screaming but only inside my head: 1464 01:12:01,866 --> 01:12:08,166 UPSET ME? Somehow you...you raped me. You held me down... 1465 01:12:08,166 --> 01:12:14,100 And suddenly Alice is upon us and then I am photocopying. 1466 01:12:14,366 --> 01:12:18,966 Later that day I grab a coffee with the QC I ran into on Friday. 1467 01:12:19,366 --> 01:12:21,333 He tells me all the attributes of his chambers. 1468 01:12:21,366 --> 01:12:24,466 The amazing barristers I will be working with. 1469 01:12:24,466 --> 01:12:27,366 I tell him I will be delighted to take it. We shake hands. 1470 01:12:27,366 --> 01:12:32,366 I tell myself I will just work harder to cover the cost of the new chambers. 1471 01:12:32,366 --> 01:12:35,333 The second time I have to face Julian is... 1472 01:12:36,366 --> 01:12:39,933 It's after he's been arrested. It's an afternoon court foyer. 1473 01:12:39,933 --> 01:12:44,366 I know I should just walk past him. We are not supposed to speak. 1474 01:12:44,366 --> 01:12:47,766 But stupidly my eyes look right at him. 1475 01:12:47,766 --> 01:12:48,833 I freeze. 1476 01:12:48,833 --> 01:12:50,466 "How could you do this to me?" 1477 01:12:50,466 --> 01:12:53,066 He...he is convincing. 1478 01:12:53,066 --> 01:12:57,833 "I really like you Tess. I mean I was hoping we'd find something special together. 1479 01:12:57,899 --> 01:13:01,266 I held your hair while you vomited for Christ's sake 1480 01:13:01,266 --> 01:13:05,366 But this, what you've said, are you out of your fucking mind?" 1481 01:13:05,366 --> 01:13:08,100 I look him in the face, you know what happened. 1482 01:13:08,100 --> 01:13:12,533 ""Whatever it was, I am not a criminal. This is not who I am--oh my god-- 1483 01:13:12,533 --> 01:13:14,800 You are not a victim. 1484 01:13:14,800 --> 01:13:16,333 You know if you continue to go through with this 1485 01:13:16,366 --> 01:13:21,233 you are going to destroy my career. You do realise that, don't you?" 1486 01:13:22,166 --> 01:13:25,033 He walks away. I consider telling the police 1487 01:13:25,033 --> 01:13:27,566 he has spoke to me. He breached his bail conditions. 1488 01:13:27,566 --> 01:13:31,166 But I, I'm not allowed to speak to him either. 1489 01:13:32,266 --> 01:13:35,833 I go to the bathroom. I lock the door. 1490 01:13:35,833 --> 01:13:39,066 I'm in there for a long time. I vomit. 1491 01:13:39,366 --> 01:13:43,899 And I wash my face and I cry and I cry and I cry. 1492 01:13:44,633 --> 01:13:48,566 Richard clears his throat, gives me a sympathetic smile. 1493 01:13:48,566 --> 01:13:51,300 And then he is all professional. 1494 01:13:51,366 --> 01:13:54,666 Can you tell the court your name and occupation? 1495 01:13:55,399 --> 01:13:57,366 I won't take my eyes off him. 1496 01:13:57,366 --> 01:14:00,133 In your own words, can you please tell the court 1497 01:14:00,133 --> 01:14:03,733 about the first night you spent with Julian Brooks? 1498 01:14:03,733 --> 01:14:07,866 As I speak about the first night in chambers I hear a snicker. 1499 01:14:07,866 --> 01:14:11,300 I involuntarily darken my eyes out to see who it is. 1500 01:14:11,366 --> 01:14:14,233 There are extra people in the gallery--Julian's friends. 1501 01:14:14,366 --> 01:14:19,333 Old school buddies, uni mates, they all look the same. 1502 01:14:19,366 --> 01:14:22,600 This is them showing support for one of their own. 1503 01:14:22,600 --> 01:14:26,166 And after the vodka in Mr Brooks' office 1504 01:14:26,366 --> 01:14:33,366 My mum--here's how her daughter had sex with a man in an office on his sofa. 1505 01:14:33,366 --> 01:14:36,333 I cringe when I'm asked to detail-- catch her face. 1506 01:14:36,366 --> 01:14:39,199 Her look doesn't change in any way. 1507 01:14:39,600 --> 01:14:41,000 Turning to the night in question 1508 01:14:41,366 --> 01:14:44,800 Can you please tell the court in your own words what happened? 1509 01:14:44,800 --> 01:14:48,100 I look at the jury. A man seated in the middle. 1510 01:14:48,100 --> 01:14:51,333 I feel anxious, a woman juror is looking at me. 1511 01:14:51,333 --> 01:14:55,666 I avoid her eye. I don't want to do anything that suggests manipulation. 1512 01:14:55,666 --> 01:15:01,466 I speak Japanese, gelato, uber, my place, wine. 1513 01:15:01,466 --> 01:15:03,199 Having sex earlier in the night. 1514 01:15:03,199 --> 01:15:07,366 And then I have to speak about the vomiting in the bathroom. 1515 01:15:07,366 --> 01:15:10,500 Was I naked? How long was I there? 1516 01:15:10,500 --> 01:15:13,366 Julian carefully carrying me back to the bed. 1517 01:15:13,366 --> 01:15:17,533 And it occurs to me in this moment in court as I am answering this question 1518 01:15:17,533 --> 01:15:21,866 that Julian carefully carrying me back to the bed 1519 01:15:21,866 --> 01:15:24,899 means he wasn't too drunk that he could not remember. 1520 01:15:24,899 --> 01:15:28,566 He has lied to me about being so drunk-- 1521 01:15:28,566 --> 01:15:31,366 He was able to lift me and walk steadily back. 1522 01:15:31,366 --> 01:15:33,366 Where he didn't fall or stumble. 1523 01:15:33,366 --> 01:15:35,433 He knew what he was doing 1524 01:15:35,433 --> 01:15:39,733 but this will be used against me. 1525 01:15:39,833 --> 01:15:41,500 Yeah, they will say 1526 01:15:41,500 --> 01:15:43,833 I was the only drunk one in this story. 1527 01:15:43,833 --> 01:15:45,500 So I am the less reliable one. 1528 01:15:45,500 --> 01:15:47,199 I answer the questions aloud. 1529 01:15:47,366 --> 01:15:50,366 In my head I am cross-examining myself. 1530 01:15:50,366 --> 01:15:53,833 I am using my own defence skills to doubt my very own story. 1531 01:15:53,833 --> 01:15:59,466 I realise I've been doing this for two years and 52 days. 1532 01:15:59,666 --> 01:16:04,233 Finding faults in my story trapped again and again and again. 1533 01:16:04,366 --> 01:16:07,266 Dig my nails into my palms. 1534 01:16:07,366 --> 01:16:09,899 I will not freeze up this time. 1535 01:16:09,899 --> 01:16:11,733 I will not question my memory. 1536 01:16:11,733 --> 01:16:13,199 I will not minimise what happened. 1537 01:16:13,199 --> 01:16:17,266 I will not embellish-- I know what happened that night. 1538 01:16:17,266 --> 01:16:19,133 Then Richard. "The rape... 1539 01:16:19,133 --> 01:16:21,699 Explain where each of your limbs were." 1540 01:16:21,699 --> 01:16:26,066 I tried to explain to Richard but I'm not as clear as I need to be. 1541 01:16:26,600 --> 01:16:30,000 "Can you tell the court what you were thinking at the time?" 1542 01:16:30,000 --> 01:16:32,266 How I didn't want this. Felt trapped. 1543 01:16:32,266 --> 01:16:33,966 I could not move properly. 1544 01:16:34,033 --> 01:16:39,166 "Did you make it clear for Mr. Brooks that you were not consenting to sex?" 1545 01:16:39,166 --> 01:16:40,566 Yes, I did. 1546 01:16:40,566 --> 01:16:41,933 I said no, stop. 1547 01:16:41,933 --> 01:16:44,300 I tried to push him away, didn't I? 1548 01:16:44,300 --> 01:16:46,333 "Did you say anything else?" 1549 01:16:47,100 --> 01:16:47,566 "Scream?" 1550 01:16:47,566 --> 01:16:47,833 Yes! 1551 01:16:48,366 --> 01:16:52,033 Yes. I tried to but his hand was over my mouth. 1552 01:16:52,033 --> 01:16:53,133 "Then what?" 1553 01:16:55,366 --> 01:17:01,100 I could hardly breathe. I froze. Then pain-- 1554 01:17:01,100 --> 01:17:05,633 Searing through my body, shock, dissociation, it's happening even now. 1555 01:17:05,633 --> 01:17:09,500 More questions, more details, more humiliation. 1556 01:17:09,500 --> 01:17:11,399 This is me. 1557 01:17:11,399 --> 01:17:13,433 Giving my testimony in court. 1558 01:17:13,433 --> 01:17:17,366 Final question from Richard. He sits down, smiles at me. 1559 01:17:17,366 --> 01:17:21,066 Pleased with the examination in chief, it's gone well. 1560 01:17:21,366 --> 01:17:22,966 I'm alone again. 1561 01:17:23,366 --> 01:17:26,500 Waiting. Fingers jittery, 1562 01:17:26,500 --> 01:17:29,533 hands armpits--I mean--shins sweating. 1563 01:17:29,533 --> 01:17:34,066 I look up. I see Alice and Adam at the back of the courtroom. 1564 01:17:34,066 --> 01:17:35,366 Adam has a beard now. 1565 01:17:35,966 --> 01:17:38,766 Well, it's been so long since I've been in touch with either of them. 1566 01:17:38,766 --> 01:17:41,933 I've been working at the new chambers for over two years now. 1567 01:17:41,933 --> 01:17:44,566 I have managed to avoid all of them. 1568 01:17:44,566 --> 01:17:48,800 Adam, he wrote me an email telling me he believed me. 1569 01:17:48,800 --> 01:17:52,366 He intimated that Julian had had another experience-- 1570 01:17:52,366 --> 01:17:58,100 not as serious--but not admissible. Was he, say... 1571 01:17:58,366 --> 01:18:00,766 Right. That if I needed him I should just call. 1572 01:18:01,366 --> 01:18:02,699 I never did, why? 1573 01:18:03,933 --> 01:18:07,300 Why didn't I reach out to Adam? Was I ashamed? 1574 01:18:07,600 --> 01:18:08,333 Yes. 1575 01:18:08,333 --> 01:18:09,000 Check mum-- 1576 01:18:09,366 --> 01:18:13,300 She hasn't moved a muscle, beach bag clutched on her lap. 1577 01:18:13,966 --> 01:18:16,466 Young officer by her side. 1578 01:18:16,866 --> 01:18:21,033 Waiting. And I know more than anyone that this next part, 1579 01:18:21,033 --> 01:18:23,533 it is where the real work is done. 1580 01:18:23,533 --> 01:18:27,033 Take a sip from a glass of water on my left. 1581 01:18:27,033 --> 01:18:31,633 Hand shaking. The defence council stands slowly. 1582 01:18:32,066 --> 01:18:39,266 This is it. The cross examination by the best QC money can buy. 1583 01:18:40,166 --> 01:18:41,500 Thoroughbred. 1584 01:18:41,699 --> 01:18:44,066 And........ 1585 01:18:44,066 --> 01:18:44,633 BANG! 1586 01:18:44,633 --> 01:18:48,466 Yes, yes, no, no, I think so, no. 1587 01:18:48,466 --> 01:18:51,766 It was the second time, yes, I think so, sorry. 1588 01:18:52,366 --> 01:18:55,433 No, yes, I'm sure, I don't know. 1589 01:18:55,733 --> 01:18:58,933 Maybe my idea, I think so, do I agree? 1590 01:18:59,199 --> 01:19:05,500 Yes, yes, yes, a few, quite a few, yes, six, well perhaps yes. 1591 01:19:05,500 --> 01:19:07,266 Maybe eight? Richard is on his feet: 1592 01:19:07,266 --> 01:19:07,866 "Your honour..." 1593 01:19:08,199 --> 01:19:10,600 I have already given evidence about blah, blah, blah. 1594 01:19:10,600 --> 01:19:11,800 I feel hot. 1595 01:19:11,800 --> 01:19:13,133 Overruled. Yes. 1596 01:19:14,033 --> 01:19:16,533 Yes, I don't remember, no. 1597 01:19:16,533 --> 01:19:20,733 I don't know. I vomited. I don't know for sure. 1598 01:19:20,733 --> 01:19:23,633 I don't understand, I don't know. 1599 01:19:23,933 --> 01:19:26,433 Yes, I was, yes. I did like him at the time. 1600 01:19:26,433 --> 01:19:29,966 I only told two friends, Mia and Alice. 1601 01:19:29,966 --> 01:19:31,233 I'm not sure, I don't know. 1602 01:19:31,233 --> 01:19:33,766 Yes, I think so. Richard is on his feet again. 1603 01:19:33,766 --> 01:19:34,466 I don't follow. 1604 01:19:34,466 --> 01:19:37,600 Richard looks worried. My throat feels dry. 1605 01:19:37,600 --> 01:19:39,199 ...that it's me again... 1606 01:19:39,366 --> 01:19:43,199 No, no, I think I could have walked back to the bed. No. 1607 01:19:43,199 --> 01:19:46,366 Well...well I know because I walked to the shower after the--- 1608 01:19:46,366 --> 01:19:48,699 Richard is saying something. Sits down. 1609 01:19:48,699 --> 01:19:52,699 QC is back to me, yes, yes, I liked him then-- 1610 01:19:52,699 --> 01:19:53,366 but I'm cut off. 1611 01:19:53,366 --> 01:19:55,600 I don't know, Weird pause... 1612 01:19:55,600 --> 01:19:59,533 They haven't made their major defence arguments but I can feel them coming. 1613 01:19:59,533 --> 01:20:02,433 Richard is in the dark as much as I am. 1614 01:20:02,433 --> 01:20:05,266 I go from Richard's face to the QC's face to Richard's face. 1615 01:20:05,366 --> 01:20:10,366 And when the first of their points arrive, I am dumbstruck... sorry, 1616 01:20:10,366 --> 01:20:13,133 What are you saying? No, no, no, no. 1617 01:20:13,133 --> 01:20:15,566 I don't understand the question, no. 1618 01:20:15,566 --> 01:20:19,766 No, it was not my hand on my mouth, my own hand, no. 1619 01:20:19,766 --> 01:20:22,766 It was Julian's hand, but my breath, yes. 1620 01:20:22,766 --> 01:20:27,366 I might have touched my own mouth, yes. But no, no, no, that's not what happened. 1621 01:20:27,366 --> 01:20:30,266 I didn't want to have sex. I felt sick. No. You're wrong. 1622 01:20:30,366 --> 01:20:34,266 I didn't want to have sex because I felt awful, not just because 1623 01:20:34,266 --> 01:20:36,966 my breath was sour from vomiting, no. 1624 01:20:36,966 --> 01:20:39,466 I remember it very well, yes, but what, no, no. 1625 01:20:39,466 --> 01:20:44,766 No, I did not put my hand on my mouth to protect Julian from my sour breath. 1626 01:20:44,766 --> 01:20:47,800 No, that's not what, no, but then all of these, these questions 1627 01:20:47,800 --> 01:20:50,366 about Julian's arms, his hands-- 1628 01:20:50,366 --> 01:20:52,899 which one was holding down which of my wrists-- 1629 01:20:52,899 --> 01:20:54,466 and I realise-- 1630 01:20:54,500 --> 01:20:58,399 They're trying to say that if Julian had one hand on each of my wrists 1631 01:20:58,399 --> 01:21:02,366 then he had no extra hand to cover my mouth, so I was mistaken. 1632 01:21:02,366 --> 01:21:05,366 I wasn't actually pinned down and of course I could breathe. 1633 01:21:05,366 --> 01:21:08,166 In fact, the hand on my mouth must have been mine. 1634 01:21:08,166 --> 01:21:11,699 Just saving Julian from my bad vomit breath. 1635 01:21:11,699 --> 01:21:16,433 The QC is saying if it was my own hand on my own mouth as he suggests 1636 01:21:16,433 --> 01:21:19,433 then I could have used it to push Julian away. 1637 01:21:19,433 --> 01:21:23,500 Or I could have removed my own hand from my own mouth and just screamed. 1638 01:21:23,500 --> 01:21:28,333 My mind is messy. I can't catch up. No, no, no, I tried to get away. 1639 01:21:28,366 --> 01:21:31,033 I told him. I said, "No." 1640 01:21:31,033 --> 01:21:35,733 I struggled. It was...it was his hand on my mouth. How. 1641 01:21:36,800 --> 01:21:40,266 Yes, yes, yes, I did, yes, yes, I think that's how 1642 01:21:40,266 --> 01:21:44,066 I tried to push him as best as I could but he was, no, no. 1643 01:21:44,366 --> 01:21:46,500 No, he was squashing me. 1644 01:21:46,500 --> 01:21:48,366 My mind is scrambled. 1645 01:21:48,366 --> 01:21:50,933 I could feel a terrible wrong being done to me right now. 1646 01:21:50,933 --> 01:21:54,133 That this line of questioning, it's making me look confused. 1647 01:21:54,133 --> 01:21:57,933 Because I am. I am really confused. 1648 01:21:57,933 --> 01:22:00,366 Julian told his lawyer, or did the QC, 1649 01:22:00,366 --> 01:22:04,366 think it was a better story that I put my own hand on my own mouth and therefore 1650 01:22:04,366 --> 01:22:08,366 I was the only one stopping myself from screaming or speaking, and I 1651 01:22:08,366 --> 01:22:13,699 I could have taken it away at any stage to speak up or push him away. 1652 01:22:13,699 --> 01:22:18,300 The QC is saying it was my own hand on my own mouth as if it were a game. 1653 01:22:18,300 --> 01:22:19,833 A game. 1654 01:22:19,833 --> 01:22:23,333 "Like the game of sex at Chambers". That's what Julian said. 1655 01:22:23,366 --> 01:22:26,766 A game--I look around briefly, thinking. 1656 01:22:27,366 --> 01:22:31,399 Thinking I see Adam. I feel like I'm gonna pass out. 1657 01:22:31,399 --> 01:22:36,966 Adam is willing me to remember. He knows I am stuck and I 1658 01:22:36,966 --> 01:22:39,866 I remember, right there in court 1659 01:22:39,866 --> 01:22:42,800 I remember, I say, 1660 01:22:42,800 --> 01:22:44,066 Julian-- 1661 01:22:44,066 --> 01:22:49,100 He had both of my wrists in one of his hands, put high above my head. 1662 01:22:49,100 --> 01:22:52,733 That his other hand, it was over my mouth and nose as well. 1663 01:22:52,733 --> 01:22:55,066 I could barely breathe. I am shaking. 1664 01:22:55,066 --> 01:22:57,233 My eyes on Julian now. 1665 01:22:57,366 --> 01:23:00,433 How dare you? How dare you? why am I up here being made to look like a liar 1666 01:23:00,433 --> 01:23:03,433 And why am I up here being made to look like a liar? 1667 01:23:07,000 --> 01:23:09,166 Julian won't meet my eye. 1668 01:23:10,466 --> 01:23:12,966 He looks over to his family. 1669 01:23:12,966 --> 01:23:15,766 His father gives him a confident nod, 1670 01:23:15,766 --> 01:23:19,733 The QC apologizes to me for making me uncomfortable. 1671 01:23:21,100 --> 01:23:22,733 He's being nice to me now. 1672 01:23:23,600 --> 01:23:28,366 And like every victim I have cross examined before I fall for it. 1673 01:23:28,366 --> 01:23:31,699 I ache for niceness. I feel so broke 1674 01:23:31,699 --> 01:23:34,366 and I want to go with him just to get it over with. 1675 01:23:34,366 --> 01:23:38,500 I want to be reeled in. The questions start again. Face compassion. 1676 01:23:38,500 --> 01:23:43,533 I understand it was a terribly difficult and confusing night for you. you were ill. 1677 01:23:43,533 --> 01:23:44,866 I sway a bit. 1678 01:23:44,866 --> 01:23:46,066 Then flattery. 1679 01:23:46,066 --> 01:23:48,366 The QC suggests that I'm a top barrister. 1680 01:23:48,366 --> 01:23:51,500 A woman other people speak of in such high terms. 1681 01:23:51,500 --> 01:23:56,366 A barrister who is seen to be easily the smartest of a bar call of her generation. 1682 01:23:56,366 --> 01:24:00,300 This, this is going somewhere awful. I feel it. 1683 01:24:00,366 --> 01:24:05,233 He brings up my new room, calls it a larger, more prestigious room. 1684 01:24:05,366 --> 01:24:05,899 What? 1685 01:24:06,300 --> 01:24:09,366 Says it was between Julian and myself who would get that room. 1686 01:24:09,366 --> 01:24:13,666 Has the shortlist in his hands right now. It only has two names on it. 1687 01:24:13,666 --> 01:24:15,233 Mine and Julian's. 1688 01:24:15,233 --> 01:24:17,866 I've never seen this list. I never knew this. 1689 01:24:17,866 --> 01:24:19,733 Was there a question? 1690 01:24:19,966 --> 01:24:23,066 My name, it might be in that list but I never applied for that room. 1691 01:24:23,066 --> 01:24:27,366 I go on, even though the QC is intimating he doesn't need me to. I speak over him. 1692 01:24:27,366 --> 01:24:29,366 I never applied for that room. 1693 01:24:29,366 --> 01:24:32,333 I never saw any reason to have such a large room. 1694 01:24:32,333 --> 01:24:36,533 In my old room, it had more space in it than I've ever had in my entire life. 1695 01:24:36,533 --> 01:24:40,566 I noticed the tiniest moment when the QC does a mental shift. 1696 01:24:40,566 --> 01:24:46,100 He assumed, as a successful barrister, that I wanted the larger room. 1697 01:24:46,100 --> 01:24:48,233 The more prestigious chambers at any cost. 1698 01:24:48,233 --> 01:24:50,733 Jury members shift in their seats. 1699 01:24:50,733 --> 01:24:54,066 They understand. Don't ever trust your own instincts. 1700 01:24:54,066 --> 01:24:58,766 Sarah wants to say, day one, law school. Only trust your legal instincts. 1701 01:24:58,766 --> 01:25:02,100 He computes, his voice almost a snore: 1702 01:25:02,100 --> 01:25:05,666 "But I see you're enjoying that room now, aren't you Miss Ensler?" 1703 01:25:05,666 --> 01:25:07,000 No time to answer. 1704 01:25:07,000 --> 01:25:09,899 The next question comes fast to cover up for what he didn't see coming. 1705 01:25:09,899 --> 01:25:13,100 He implies that I made up the story of rape 1706 01:25:13,100 --> 01:25:15,933 as payback to Julian for telling his friends and colleagues 1707 01:25:15,933 --> 01:25:19,699 about me having sex with him on his sofa at chambers. 1708 01:25:19,699 --> 01:25:22,266 Slap! This is news to me. 1709 01:25:22,366 --> 01:25:24,566 This is what Julian was telling people 1710 01:25:24,566 --> 01:25:27,899 while I was talking to Mia about a potential relationship. 1711 01:25:27,899 --> 01:25:32,133 I fade just a little. I catch my breath, I find my way. 1712 01:25:33,066 --> 01:25:35,500 My body has been turned inside out 1713 01:25:35,500 --> 01:25:38,500 by the evidence I have had to give to this final humiliation. 1714 01:25:38,500 --> 01:25:43,066 It is just a small cut. I can honestly tell you, sir, that I had no idea 1715 01:25:43,066 --> 01:25:45,233 Julian had spoken to anyone about me like that. 1716 01:25:45,233 --> 01:25:46,433 He doesn't about turn. 1717 01:25:46,433 --> 01:25:49,933 Did I admit that my new room in my new chambers 1718 01:25:49,933 --> 01:25:52,866 was a strategic move for me to increase my income? 1719 01:25:52,866 --> 01:25:57,100 I tell him, I was offered this new room with a QCI in mind-- He cuts me off. 1720 01:25:57,100 --> 01:26:00,433 Implies I made up a rape story to discredit Julian 1721 01:26:00,433 --> 01:26:02,300 and be the one offered the new tenancy-- 1722 01:26:02,300 --> 01:26:05,500 I interrupt: I moved chambers to get away from Julian. 1723 01:26:05,500 --> 01:26:06,699 To work without fear. 1724 01:26:06,699 --> 01:26:09,833 Do not forget, I made my statement to the police on the very night 1725 01:26:09,833 --> 01:26:12,033 of the sexual assault, hours after it occurred. 1726 01:26:12,033 --> 01:26:14,966 This is not relevant to my question, Ms. Ensler. 1727 01:26:14,966 --> 01:26:17,033 Please refrain from elaboration. 1728 01:26:17,033 --> 01:26:20,033 Richard is up: Let her finish. Judge lets me. 1729 01:26:20,033 --> 01:26:24,899 I don't know any woman who would happily drink with a man, eat a meal 1730 01:26:24,899 --> 01:26:28,899 with all witnesses saying how much we talked together and laughed and got along-- 1731 01:26:28,899 --> 01:26:31,600 I submit your honour! Submission sustained. 1732 01:26:31,633 --> 01:26:33,266 Would your honour please remind the witness 1733 01:26:33,266 --> 01:26:35,366 to answer the question and not make speeches. 1734 01:26:35,366 --> 01:26:39,633 If you are implying that I planned the entire night to stage something like this 1735 01:26:39,633 --> 01:26:41,000 I have no words. 1736 01:26:41,000 --> 01:26:44,733 The last 782 days of my life have been something 1737 01:26:44,733 --> 01:26:47,399 I would never wish upon any human being. 1738 01:26:47,399 --> 01:26:48,266 Your honour! 1739 01:26:48,266 --> 01:26:48,899 Ms. Ensler. 1740 01:26:48,899 --> 01:26:53,600 For you to stand there and suggest to me that I am in any way holding a vendetta 1741 01:26:53,600 --> 01:26:56,033 against Mr. Brooks, is to suggest to me-- 1742 01:26:56,033 --> 01:26:57,333 Your honour, the witness is not-- 1743 01:26:57,333 --> 01:26:58,899 I keep talking. 1744 01:26:58,899 --> 01:27:03,399 Mr. Julian Brooks' QC here, will at some stage tell you, the jury, 1745 01:27:03,399 --> 01:27:05,300 what Mr. Brooks might have lost. 1746 01:27:05,300 --> 01:27:09,533 But I will tell you what I have lost. 1747 01:27:10,366 --> 01:27:14,500 I have lost my dignity. I have lost my sense of self. 1748 01:27:14,500 --> 01:27:18,866 I have lost my career path. Friends. Peace of mind. 1749 01:27:18,866 --> 01:27:23,766 Safety. Sense of joy in my sexuality. 1750 01:27:24,366 --> 01:27:28,366 But most of all I have lost my faith in this, the law. 1751 01:27:28,366 --> 01:27:30,333 The system I believe will protect me. 1752 01:27:30,333 --> 01:27:33,100 It was the system I dedicated my life to. 1753 01:27:33,100 --> 01:27:37,033 Julian's QC as calling out, asking for an intervention from the judge. 1754 01:27:37,033 --> 01:27:41,833 But after 782 days, all 10 tracks in my brain are lighting up. 1755 01:27:41,833 --> 01:27:43,366 I have found my voice. 1756 01:27:43,366 --> 01:27:46,266 It's different but it is mine. I keep speaking. 1757 01:27:46,366 --> 01:27:50,333 I hear "Submission" over and over. "Your honour! Your honour!" Loud. 1758 01:27:50,366 --> 01:27:54,199 Outrage trying to drown out my voice. I do not waver. 1759 01:27:54,199 --> 01:27:58,633 The judge asks me to please just answer the question. 1760 01:27:59,899 --> 01:28:01,600 I'm calm. 1761 01:28:02,366 --> 01:28:05,000 Your honour, there are some things I am going to say. 1762 01:28:05,000 --> 01:28:06,899 Confident. Like a lawyer. 1763 01:28:06,899 --> 01:28:10,600 Julian's QC is on his feet, requesting a voir dire. 1764 01:28:10,600 --> 01:28:11,933 The judge nods. 1765 01:28:11,933 --> 01:28:14,533 The jury starts to file out. 1766 01:28:14,533 --> 01:28:17,066 A voir dire is a legal term. 1767 01:28:17,666 --> 01:28:19,199 It's where the jury are sent out so they 1768 01:28:19,199 --> 01:28:22,166 don't hear something that might be prejudicial. 1769 01:28:22,166 --> 01:28:27,866 Strangely, the phrase originates from "to speak the truth." 1770 01:28:28,366 --> 01:28:32,333 The last juror looks at me as he exits. The media are poised. 1771 01:28:32,333 --> 01:28:38,333 Judge: You have very little scope here, Ms. Ensler. Please be concise. 1772 01:28:39,699 --> 01:28:41,166 I breathe slowly. 1773 01:28:43,366 --> 01:28:44,366 In... 1774 01:28:47,433 --> 01:28:47,833 Out... 1775 01:28:50,766 --> 01:28:54,366 I find the face of the young police officer. 1776 01:28:54,366 --> 01:28:57,833 Her hand is over my mum's hand. 1777 01:29:00,500 --> 01:29:02,366 I see... 1778 01:29:02,366 --> 01:29:09,899 all the women who came before me and all of those who will come after. I see... 1779 01:29:09,899 --> 01:29:10,699 Jenna. 1780 01:29:11,733 --> 01:29:17,066 I am not getting anything out of this. I am just doing this to protect other women. 1781 01:29:17,966 --> 01:29:20,800 I look up at Julian's boys in the gallery. 1782 01:29:22,566 --> 01:29:26,199 Your honour, I am here in a unique position. 1783 01:29:26,199 --> 01:29:28,366 Usually I stand at the bar. 1784 01:29:28,366 --> 01:29:33,066 But now I am in this courtroom as a witness, a complainant, a victim. 1785 01:29:33,066 --> 01:29:37,066 As a barrister, I have questioned women in sexual assault cases on the assumption 1786 01:29:37,066 --> 01:29:41,600 that evidence can be delivered in a clean, logical package. 1787 01:29:41,600 --> 01:29:46,199 And now I have seen from my own attempts here that it cannot be. 1788 01:29:46,366 --> 01:29:51,333 In all of my professional life, I have participated in a system 1789 01:29:51,333 --> 01:29:53,633 that has done this to women and now I know-- 1790 01:29:53,633 --> 01:29:56,666 It is not right. It is not reasonable 1791 01:29:56,666 --> 01:29:58,366 because now I know... 1792 01:29:58,366 --> 01:30:01,699 From my own life, from as a woman and a lawyer, 1793 01:30:01,699 --> 01:30:04,366 that the lived experience of sexual assault 1794 01:30:04,366 --> 01:30:08,300 It is not remembered in a neat, consistent, scientific parcel. 1795 01:30:08,300 --> 01:30:12,166 And it's because of that the law often finds evidence unbelievable. 1796 01:30:12,166 --> 01:30:15,766 So I understand a witness can be mistaken in their evidence. 1797 01:30:15,766 --> 01:30:18,600 I have suggested it time and time again. 1798 01:30:18,600 --> 01:30:23,266 But this is not a car accident or a home invasion. 1799 01:30:23,266 --> 01:30:24,866 This is rape. 1800 01:30:25,133 --> 01:30:28,100 It's a crime against the person. And now I know. 1801 01:30:28,100 --> 01:30:32,066 You know when a woman says "No" , when her actions say "No" 1802 01:30:32,066 --> 01:30:34,899 It is not a subtle and readable thing at all. 1803 01:30:34,899 --> 01:30:37,433 Yet before this I too, I-- I would suggest that 1804 01:30:37,433 --> 01:30:38,500 she was mistaken. 1805 01:30:38,500 --> 01:30:43,100 But when a woman has been violated 1806 01:30:43,100 --> 01:30:48,366 it is a corrosive wound. It is one that starts with terror 1807 01:30:48,366 --> 01:30:53,533 and pain, deep into the body. then it overtakes the mind, the soul. 1808 01:30:53,533 --> 01:30:56,566 Yet before this I too, I would suggest that she was confused. 1809 01:30:56,566 --> 01:30:59,933 I mean the message is, if we do not deliver our evidence 1810 01:30:59,933 --> 01:31:03,333 neatly in a clear, linear story with consistency and recall 1811 01:31:03,366 --> 01:31:06,666 then we are lying. Yet before this I would 1812 01:31:06,666 --> 01:31:08,833 point out inconsistencies as proof of doubt. 1813 01:31:08,833 --> 01:31:11,766 I would tell the jury, they couldn't possibly be sure. 1814 01:31:11,766 --> 01:31:13,500 As a lawyer I know, I know. 1815 01:31:13,500 --> 01:31:16,933 The law, it cannot jettison consistency entirely, 1816 01:31:16,933 --> 01:31:19,066 but in sexual assault cases 1817 01:31:19,066 --> 01:31:22,433 can we keep using it as the litmus test of credibility? 1818 01:31:22,733 --> 01:31:27,300 Because as a victim, let me tell you, 1819 01:31:27,300 --> 01:31:31,266 the rape and the perpetrator-- they are vividly recalled. 1820 01:31:31,366 --> 01:31:34,766 The peripheral details, not so clearly. 1821 01:31:34,766 --> 01:31:38,766 If a woman is rattled by having to relive the nightmare in court. 1822 01:31:38,766 --> 01:31:42,633 If a woman's experience of rape is not as the court likes it to be, 1823 01:31:42,633 --> 01:31:45,766 then we conclude that she is prone to exaggeration. 1824 01:31:45,766 --> 01:31:49,366 And it's because of this, she is so often disbelieved. 1825 01:31:49,366 --> 01:31:52,333 So here in court, I want to call it out. 1826 01:31:52,333 --> 01:31:54,600 There is a flurry from the courtroom gallery. 1827 01:31:54,600 --> 01:31:57,399 The law of sexual assault-- 1828 01:31:57,399 --> 01:31:59,366 It spins on the wrong axis. 1829 01:31:59,366 --> 01:32:02,166 A woman's experience of sexual assault 1830 01:32:02,166 --> 01:32:05,433 It does not fit the male-defined system of truth, so 1831 01:32:05,433 --> 01:32:10,433 so it cannot be truth, and therefore there cannot be justice. 1832 01:32:10,433 --> 01:32:15,100 The law has been shaped by generations and generations of men. 1833 01:32:15,100 --> 01:32:19,033 I can see Julian's QC on his feet. But I can't hear him anymore. 1834 01:32:19,033 --> 01:32:25,000 There was a time, not so long ago, when courts like this did not see 1835 01:32:25,000 --> 01:32:27,666 non-consensual sex in marriage as rape. 1836 01:32:27,666 --> 01:32:33,566 Did not see that battered women, they fight back in a manner 1837 01:32:33,566 --> 01:32:35,666 distinct from the way that men fight. 1838 01:32:35,666 --> 01:32:39,633 Yet once we see-- I mean we cannot un-see, can we? 1839 01:32:39,633 --> 01:32:42,733 Now I see, from my own experience 1840 01:32:42,733 --> 01:32:46,066 that we have got it all wrong when it comes to sexual assault. 1841 01:32:46,066 --> 01:32:48,366 We don't interrogate the law's own assumptions. 1842 01:32:48,366 --> 01:32:52,500 Instead we persist on interrogating the victims. 1843 01:32:52,933 --> 01:32:56,633 The law is an organic thing. It is defined by us. 1844 01:32:56,633 --> 01:33:01,033 It is constructed by us, in light of our experiences. 1845 01:33:01,033 --> 01:33:04,399 All of ours, so there are no excuses anymore. 1846 01:33:04,399 --> 01:33:06,399 It must change. 1847 01:33:06,399 --> 01:33:10,233 Because the truth is that one in three women are sexually assaulted. 1848 01:33:10,233 --> 01:33:13,866 And their voices, they need to be heard, they need to be believed 1849 01:33:13,866 --> 01:33:16,000 in order for justice to be done. 1850 01:33:16,000 --> 01:33:18,800 I can see Julian's QC on his feet again. 1851 01:33:18,800 --> 01:33:19,966 I hear the judge. 1852 01:33:19,966 --> 01:33:24,066 I have gone beyond what I am allowed to say, well beyond. 1853 01:33:38,699 --> 01:33:40,833 One in three women 1854 01:33:45,199 --> 01:33:46,566 Look to your left 1855 01:33:48,600 --> 01:33:50,000 Look to your right 1856 01:33:52,366 --> 01:33:54,699 To one of us 1857 01:33:57,500 --> 01:34:02,166 I feel my cheeks hot, hot, hot. I am done. I am done. 1858 01:34:02,366 --> 01:34:06,233 I am so done. I see my mum. 1859 01:34:06,866 --> 01:34:12,066 Richard, the QC, and Julian. 1860 01:34:13,600 --> 01:34:16,166 I feel a wave of sadness. 1861 01:34:16,733 --> 01:34:20,300 Not despair. Just pure sadness. 1862 01:34:20,300 --> 01:34:25,733 I know the jury. They won't find Julian guilty. 1863 01:34:27,866 --> 01:34:31,100 But a weight has been lifted. 1864 01:34:31,366 --> 01:34:34,166 I see three journalists writing madly. 1865 01:34:34,166 --> 01:34:36,966 Courtroom artist staring at me as he takes notes. 1866 01:34:36,966 --> 01:34:40,766 The judge tells me not to speak unless I am asked a question. 1867 01:34:40,766 --> 01:34:46,566 He's calling the jury back in. Voir dire, over. 1868 01:34:49,266 --> 01:34:51,800 I hold my head up. 1869 01:34:52,766 --> 01:34:56,300 I see Adam at the back of the courtroom. He nods. 1870 01:34:57,300 --> 01:35:01,166 I find the open face of the young police officer. 1871 01:35:01,166 --> 01:35:08,766 This young woman in a uniform usually worn by men, she locks eyes with me. 1872 01:35:10,566 --> 01:35:14,500 And in this brightly lit suffocating courtroom, 1873 01:35:14,500 --> 01:35:20,800 Standing here in front of everyone, while my mum clutches her straw bag-- 1874 01:35:20,800 --> 01:35:23,866 right here, right now-- 1875 01:35:23,866 --> 01:35:27,066 meeting the eyes of that one young woman 1876 01:35:29,366 --> 01:35:30,733 It makes me feel 1877 01:35:35,366 --> 01:35:36,333 something good. 1878 01:35:47,866 --> 01:35:50,500 I've been a defence barrister long enough. 1879 01:35:51,399 --> 01:35:58,633 You know when the jury comes back quickly that someone is "not guilty". 1880 01:36:00,233 --> 01:36:06,899 The defence team is shaking Julian's hand. Julian is thrilled. 1881 01:36:08,199 --> 01:36:12,833 The roar from his boys in the gallery is loud 1882 01:36:12,833 --> 01:36:15,366 and there is clapping... 1883 01:36:16,833 --> 01:36:24,066 Richard is saying something to me but I can't hear or I can't compute. 1884 01:36:25,000 --> 01:36:28,933 The young police officer has materialised beside me. 1885 01:36:29,466 --> 01:36:31,899 She puts her hand on my shoulder. 1886 01:36:32,566 --> 01:36:36,566 I know I have to stand but I don't. 1887 01:36:37,466 --> 01:36:38,333 The jury file out. Not one of them can meet my eye. 1888 01:36:38,333 --> 01:36:42,666 The jury file out. Not one of them can meet my eye. 1889 01:36:42,666 --> 01:36:45,533 All of this and they... 1890 01:36:46,500 --> 01:36:48,733 They didn't believe me. 1891 01:36:48,733 --> 01:36:51,800 The legal system it made me look like a liar--Julian, 1892 01:36:51,800 --> 01:36:58,366 he will never have to say sorry, never have to admit what he did, never have to... 1893 01:36:58,366 --> 01:37:01,366 The legal system it feels faulty and mixed up. 1894 01:37:01,366 --> 01:37:06,100 The legal system it feels broken. 1895 01:37:08,399 --> 01:37:10,266 Look to your left 1896 01:37:12,766 --> 01:37:14,533 Look to your right 1897 01:37:16,466 --> 01:37:18,366 I am broken too 1898 01:37:19,833 --> 01:37:21,000 But I am still here 1899 01:37:22,666 --> 01:37:25,800 And I will not be silenced 1900 01:37:26,366 --> 01:37:27,800 Richard is beckoning to my mum 1901 01:37:28,366 --> 01:37:31,633 She gathers her straw bag. Stands. Comes over to us. 1902 01:37:31,633 --> 01:37:33,666 Come on love. 1903 01:37:35,766 --> 01:37:37,733 I don't know what to cling to. 1904 01:37:38,199 --> 01:37:39,466 How to stand. 1905 01:37:39,466 --> 01:37:41,433 How to walk out of this courtroom. 1906 01:37:41,433 --> 01:37:44,399 How to leave this building. 1907 01:37:44,399 --> 01:37:46,466 All that I know is that 1908 01:37:48,266 --> 01:37:49,233 somewhere, 1909 01:37:50,366 --> 01:37:51,366 sometime, 1910 01:37:53,366 --> 01:37:54,166 somehow. 1911 01:37:58,500 --> 01:38:02,766 Something has to change. 1912 01:38:29,533 --> 01:38:31,433 No 1913 01:38:32,166 --> 01:38:35,600 not me 1914 01:38:37,600 --> 01:38:40,800 I won't 1915 01:38:40,800 --> 01:38:46,533 rein in 1916 01:38:46,533 --> 01:38:49,366 my need 1917 01:38:49,366 --> 01:38:51,600 to 1918 01:38:51,600 --> 01:38:56,033 be 1919 01:38:56,033 --> 01:39:04,333 comepletely 1920 01:39:04,333 --> 01:39:08,533 FREE